Drunkenness Prohibited

Oh why did I not learn of this sooner?

2006-09-06T13:55:00.000-05:00

So apparently, a recent graduate of my alma mater’s chief basket ball rivals likes to write poetry. Had I only known? Yes it happened months ago, but children, news like this isn’t old: it happens for all time. When J.J. Reddick was pulled over, one drunken Tuesday this past June, the scandals were already abounding. It was perfect, at a routine traffic stop; he pulls an illegal evasive U-turn, and obviously gets chased down and arrested on a $1,000 bond and a DUI. Mere days before the NBA draft, we got the true image of J.J. Reddick, the leading scorer in ACC history. Months after the Lacrosse scandal, J.J. again repaints the ever-so-alabaster image of Duke’s sportsmen.

Of course it was bound to happen. As soon as those dookies get out of school, their pretentiousness somehow transmogrifies into bad karma. It’s as though some sort of cosmic vortex turns the Benz-driving, collar-popping energy (my mom and dad are profs at DU), directly into car accidents (Bobby Hurley), motorcycle accidents (Jay Williams), 17 ankle surgeries (Grant Hill), or playing for the Clippers (Elton Brand) immediately upon graduation.

There’s a reason everyone hates Duke: it’s because G-d does too. And to have this happen to J.J. is perfect. Yes, he still got drafted 11th by the Magic, but its ok, because his back injuries will end his career in four years anyway. When he’ll look around (no U-turns, though J.J.) and wonder if a few draft spots and few million extra dollars were worth the price of a cab one summer night.

It’s perfect but there is something worse about J.J. It’s his POETRY. Yes children, I just learned that the basketball star likes to write poetry, google it posthaste if you're not aware of this. The sad thing is he volunteers to put this stuff up online like he’s trying to scar as many people as possible. I’m beginning to think that there should be more rigorous censorship rules for posting to the internet. If you think that’s too dramatic, here’s a sample:

"I can’t see what my future has in store
but I move forth with the strength of a condor
The courage of a warrior
The commitment of an American soldier
Despite this weight on my shoulder
my inner forces circulate to form
a nucleus of an unbreakable bond
These words describe the soundtrack to my life’s song
My mind and body united like the Colors of Benneton
My destiny isn’t told by the creases of my palm
A sharp thorn once cut my soul
The blood flowed
But no bandage would cover the wound
I couldn’t help but stare at the distant moon
Waiting for a resolution to come at an instant soon
I asked the Lord, “What am I to do?”
He said, “Son, I made the sky blue
The rain falls because of me
Leaves change colors on a fall tree
I was the inspiration to Martin Luther King
I’m the reason Ray Charles could sing
I’ve changed others through and through
And my son, I’ll do the same to you” [SIC]

Indeed, after the summer’s incident, Coach K said, “J.J. knows he made a mistake and regrets it,” which makes ample sense, one has to wonder though, if Krzyzewski was referring to the DUI…or perhaps Intro to English 101. Of course there is a link between alcohol and verse and it runs deep, amber and foaming over in America.

Scholars have written books on the influence of alcoholic writers of our nation including five of the seven American Nobel laureates). Maybe there is something there and maybe we should go ahead and add J.J. to the cannon of Hemmingway, Faulkner and Fitzgerald. Surely the test grades that American kids would get after reading this trash would be much higher than J.J.’s free throw percentage. Alas something tells me though, that having “My mind and body united like the Colors of Benneton/ My destiny isn’t told by the creases of my palm” has a lot less to do with J.J.’s experience as a tragic poet, but rather his experiences in a Raleigh jail one Wednesday morning in June.

For the Record

2006-08-30T10:06:00.000-05:00

Apparently Jessica Simpleton, has bruised her vocal chords and lost her voice and can't sing. I for one find it amazing that she's managed to bruise her vocal chords, especailly since Nick is out of the picture.

So Jessica, what's your story, you and daddy simpson been spending some quality time together? Ya got a new bf? I hope so, because unless you're so desperate that you've resorted to deep-throating vegetables, there's not many other ways I know that you can bruise a vocal chord.

How Many Students Does it Take...

2006-08-17T14:33:00.000-05:00

So it’s that time of year when kids are gearing up to go back to college. The freshmen actually moved into their dorms at my alma mater today and begin the time honored tradition of orientation. That being said, I present to you the how many student’s does it take to change a light bulb. This will largely focus on ACC schools, as that’s where my history and rivalries belong and accordingly, we’ll start with good ole WFU.

So how many students does it take to change a light bulb at:

Wake Forest?…7, one to change the light bulb, one to pick out the perfect JCrew outfit to change it in, and five more to pour the martinis.

Duke?…6244, one to change the light bulb and the rest of the student body to claim that they change it as good as an Ivy League School.

NC State?…State actually looks better in the dark.

UNC?…76, one to change the light bulb, 25 to protest the light bulb’s right not to be changed, 25 more to form a counter-protest and a final 25 to mediate

Clemson?…??? No one can confirm that Clemson has electricity

UVA?…3, one to change the light bulb, one to fashion the old light bulb into a bong and the third to score some really good shit.

Maryland?…150, one to change the light bulb and 149 to burn couches in celebration.

Georgia Tech?…1, he’ll not only change the light bulb but will figure out how to power most of metro Atlanta in the process.

Florida State?…2, one to find their cell phone and the second to call Jeb to have the light bulb changed.

Virginia Tech?…one, but only after football season is over with.

Miami?…no students, Donna Shalala’s already on it.

Boston College?… 3 one to change the light bulb and then all three will form a prayer group.

And for the Local area schools…

George Washington?…one, but he has to call daddy to call maintenance to have the light bulb changed.

Georgetown?…none, half of their housing is being condemned by DC anyway.

George Mason?…one, but it’s a two day process as they have to take the bus to Vienna, pick up the orange line and come into the city to party and drink while buying a light bulb which they forget to buy and have to make a second round trip back in.

Shorn...

2006-08-17T12:46:00.000-05:00

So its gone. A good friend of mine is undergoing chemo and in a motion of solidarity, I and two other buds shaved our heads last night. Good times kids good times.

I'm not one to post self pix here so you'll just have to bump into Mr. Clean or see if ya can track me down.

Surreal Life Season 7

2006-07-26T15:08:00.000-05:00

So not to jump on the bandwagon and beat a dead horse, but yeah Lance is gay. So who the ‘eff cares, I mean the sheer look of terror on your face while Justin is all smiley and so close the nether regions totally says g-g-g-g-gaaaaaaaay. But you go gurl, welcome to the big leagues where we’re ready to judge and critique your every living move. But since you’ve done it, a little advice.

First off, don’t bother trying to get paid to make an appearance at Square State in the Middle of the USA Pride. We’ve had enough of you gyrating your hips and attempting to dance that no one wants to see your turrets-afflicted performing-self in public, especially when the rest of us are trying to get laid. Besides Justin’s gone all whiggidety and we all know he was the real front man.

Second, dump Reichen, that bitch is on like 14 of 15 minutes of fame. Seriously she nothing more than a pretty face attached to a bitchy attitude and I’m sure she’s already spent her half of that million dollars she won during the Amazing Race anyway. Just go out and get a boyfriend like the rest of us do, or how about this, try living OUT and single for a bit.

Third, now that you’re out and gay, don’t do some C-rated movie, go ahead and claim your gayness the way Anna Nicole claimed her trashiness and Maria Rosario Pilar Martinez Molina Baeza did with her lack of celebrity. Get your butt on Hollywood Squares or on The Surreal Life. If you do that, we other gays will be able to trash talk about even faster…go on Lance, you know you’re going to be shamed eventually. Just do it now and we'll get it out of our systems.

I’m not saying it’s all gonna be bad Lance, but as soon as you realize that your-day-in-the-spotlight-behind-Justin-Timberlake-has-already-set and life is over, the better off you’ll be.
Now go out and be fabulous gurl!

Overheard in DC - Bar Edition

2006-07-25T08:20:00.000-05:00

Overheard: Drunk Boy – “Yeah my birthday is September 11, it sucks, that’s when the Tourists Attacked”

Well wouldn’t you know I can’t let this one go? With the recent attention to paid to DC tourist by Sean, Jimbo, and a dated version from myself, I’ve decided that it’s time for a WAR ON TOURISM, especially since drunk boy thinks they’re the root of all evil.

TOURISM ALERT SCALE: Of course we have to include the rainbow colored Tourism Alert Scale, it wouldn’t be gay or DC without this nifty color coded alert system to let us know when the tourists are likely to attack. It’ll be RED during the 4th of July Weekend and generally ORANGE from April to the end of August. YELLOW commences in the month of September and will drop to BLUE in mid-October when temperatures are actually nice. BLUE will generally continue until the commencement of the Cherry Blossom Festival in March when the alert scale goes immediately back to ORANGE. There are likely to be blips into YELLOW during the general BLUE period when the High Heel Race Occurs in late October but these particular tourists are only the straight couples from the dirty vag that enter DC to watch the gays in their natural habitat and only cause traffic and bar overcrowding. DC may dip to GREEN but only on Thanksgiving Weekend when no tourists come to town. Same is true for Christmas. A special alert will be issued for the next Presidential Inaugural Weekend where things are expected to be bright RED again.

TOURIST PROFILE: While there really is no way to profile a Tourist, they generally have vacant expressions or expressions of awe and travel in packs. Pay special attention to the map reading tourists, because they may try to kidnap you into believing that DC is completely unable to be navigated.

TOURIST WEAPONS OF CHOICE: Baby strollers, hordes of screaming children, Metro, minivans and fanny packs, inappropriately worn tank tops, spandex and other tight fitting articles of clothing that make DC residents want to vomit a little bit on the inside.

RANDOM ACTS OF TOURISM: Clogging the sidewalks, coming un-invited into Dale’s Tourism Free Zone (DC’s Safe Haven), dressing children alike, attempting to navigate a traffic circle, and blowing those “quackers” that are given out when families take the DC Duck Tours.

TOURIST RECRUITING CAMPS: The most heinous act of tourism includes the recruitment of children. By willingly allowing children to act like monkeys on the metro, the Tourists are ensuring that Tourism will continue in DC. Thus the Metro is considered the most likely location of a TOURIST RECRUITING CAMP. Kids will squeal with delight over the fact that the metro has become their personal jungle gym, climbing the poles that are ordinarily used by DC residents to hang on. These same heathens will also climb on seats and jump to hang off the vertical rails that are also used for support. Unwashed and smelly, these are the training camps are death traps for any residents and should be avoided at all costs.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU SEE TOURISTS: Should you be surrounded by tourists, remain calm, they want you to become all agitated and have a meltdown so that they can feel superior when they go back to Iowa or South Dakota or where ever they emerge from. Rely on your inner sense of alternative routes to escape from their evil clutches while you may feel trapped, especially in their training grounds, a quick car change on the metro can put distance between you and the tourists. Escape is relatively simple as most tourists are not well educated and have been brainwashed into their particular beliefs that they need to wreak havoc on DC; however, if need be retreat to the Safe Haven and have a cocktail.

Editor’s note: While not exactly engaging in Tourism, the protesters that arrive in town for the World Bank meetings and other fun stuff actually fit into the profile of a Tourist. The same is true for the people wearing matching outfits that clog both sides of the street trying to convince me that Global Warming is a problem in February when it’s 40 degrees outside. Treat them all the same, as the terror inspiring tourists that they are.

Don't ya just want to give somebody a hug?

2006-07-18T13:15:00.000-05:00

Now I’m never one to really pass up on some crazy gossip and while sometimes I don’t always put it out there today's one of those days I need to share. Besides, let’s be honest; I’m pretty much assured of having waterfront property on the River Styx and function as the welcoming committee to Hell so I’m going to go ahead and present this little tidbit to ya. It’s just too much to pass up.

Now not really being all about reality TV, I was kind shocked when I discovered this since I had no intentions of reading up on Amazing Race Season 10. I mean really, it’s not that exciting to watch bitchy people try and circumnavigate the globe with limited resources and fun tricks involved. HOWEVER, somehow I landed on their web site and this is just too much.

Evidently two contestants of the Amazing Race were good friends back in their modeling days and have recently reconnected and will be on the upcoming season…Where’d the meet? Rehab! I’m sorry but that’s just to true for words. Now let’s be up front and honest about this. Two guys, both models, rehab…GAY! Sorry just had to shout that out but it’s just so stereotypically fag to me and I love it.

The fact that these two lost contact with each other and met up in rehab is classic. I don’t think I’ve been this giddy over stupid gossip in a long time, but like I said, I’m already going to hell and it’s gonna be one great big party. No wonder it’s so hot outside.

Gay's Can Be Religious Too

2006-06-30T10:00:00.000-05:00

So Andy recently brought to the forefront the idea that a group of gays recently issued a Fag-wah which I totally wish that I could claim as my own legconography; however its not that true. Its not my invention. That being stated, I will be issuing Fag-wah's on an increasing basis to anyone who breaks Dale's version of Sharia or any of the other homo-bloggaritti's lists of rules.

That being said, I have to admit that I'm totally loving the fact that we gay's are basically usurping Islam and using it to our purpose. Seeing how difficult the GOP is making life with their incessant need to bring up the Constitutional Ban on Homo Marriage, we're definitly having to engage in a jihad just to keep basic rights or so it would seem.

Alas, I guess we've now discoveded the root of the Militant Homosexual. I guess we'll be terrorist soon if we keep up this adoption of the infadel.

UPDATE: I have to give a shout out to my bar husband for tipping me off to the term Fagwa. Thanks CW.

The Sanctity of Marriage

2006-06-27T11:05:00.000-05:00

Never being one to pass up a chance to share some gossip, I present Tuesday's Trash. Apparently our conservative boy Rush Limbaugh has now been cited in Florida for having prescription of Viagra on him, but not in his name.

First of all, eeeew! The thought of that fat conservative man needing viagra is akin to walking in on your mom and dad, it's just a little bit gross.

My big question for Rush, seeing as how you've already been busted for oxy, what on earth were you doing needing viagra, has all of your pain gone away? Do you now enjoy free range of motion that was once caused by muscle and back pain? Are you

ready, able and willing? And since you're in Florida, please tell me that you've been hanging out at a retirement home and that trip to the Dominican Republic wasn't to work out some issues with the a hot Caribbean Momma. Cause lord knows, if you've been dabbling in international "relations" this is one scandle that I want to relive a thousand times over.

So please Rush, please tell me that there's some juicy gossip here, please tell me that Conservatives are going to have to backtrack and backpeddle on this one, or even better, please tell me that viagra is for your tryst with Ann Coulter, lord knows she needs to be banged in a bad way, and I think you're just the man to do it. If the fact that you actually have a viagra prescription doesn't make me throw up a little, then certainly the thought of you and Ann going at it won't either. Just remeber to wear your rubbers!

Sincerely, Me--waiting with baited breath.

Heil Homeland...Security!

2006-06-26T12:43:00.000-05:00

Well of course it would take a natural disaster the strength of Hurricane Katrina to hit DC and screw everything up for my morning commute. Seriously, I think we’ve had enough rain and if any more comes then I’m sure the resulting mold and mildew will wreak havoc on my sinuses once again this season. That on top of the humidity and I’m not sure I’ll be able to cope.

That being said, I would like to give my personal thanks to the Department of Homeland Security for taking away DC’s money. Surely, if you didn’t notice in the debacle that was this morning’s commute, we’re no way ready for anything that remotely resembles a mass public disaster. I’m sure that South Dakota will fare much better though.

Only two metro stations were shut down this morning due flooding, Federal Triangle and Archives/Navy Memorial; however, these two stations have the Orange/Blue Lines and Green/Yellow lines respectively and they are largely used for transporting commuters for work. HAVOC! Did you hear me? Pure and unadulterated HAVOC was experienced this morning. Besides attempting to maneuver around a couple of thousand people at L’Enfant Plaza metro station no one bothered to direct these thousands to a central location for that free shuttle service. Oh yes, and who had the brilliant idea to use buses that hold 60 people compared to metro trains that hold say 600?

So yes Homeland Security, I think you ought to reconsider taking away those millions for the District of Columbia, clearly we are unable to manage a simple thunderstorm when it comes to moving people. I mean really, do you think we’re at all prepared for a dirty bomb or some other form of bio-terrorism? Do you think that we could hold a mass evacuation when we can’t even seem to get people to work on time? No, well me either. Just thank your stars that I’ve made peace with my maker, cause G-d knows that if you’re left in charge I’ll be visiting him sooner than later.

Things I Don't Quite Get...

2006-06-23T15:41:00.000-05:00

Ute’s know its going to be bad when you’re informed that prior to going anywhere for a drink that you have to purchase a membership and be “sponsored” by a member to get said membership. In true classy form, I proceeded to purchase a round of drinks for every member I met in order to get my sponsors to pony up. Needless to say, I’m beginning to think that sponsor and AA do actually go together.

In addition to having to purchase a membership to the restaurant we were dining at, Utah also only sells alcohol by weight. Meaning that 3 oz. martini that you served in an 8 oz glass qualifies as a shot of Ketel One, there’s no vermouth, no olive juice and no way that this constitutes a martini, so when I have a meltdown over the fact that you’re charging me $9.00, you don’t argue with Momma, you simply call it a shot.

If you’re going to make the fashion statement of the year by wearing blue jeans shorts and a tank top, the least you can do is not cuff your jeans shorts. It’s just an image I don’t want to see again.

People in Utah are either drop dead gorgeous or butt ugly. I witnessed at least 1/3 of all the grown adults sporting mullets and we’re talking bad Billy Ray Cirus Mullets on men and women.

Two out of the four people of color that I saw in Utah were actually co-workers on the trip with me. That place is lily white. Enough said.

Married Mormon men seem to have no problem propositioning anyone who looks remotely gay at any time. I could have gotten more ass in 5 days than 5 years in DC; however, I did my part to protect the sanctity of the polygamists’ marriages.

Mormon people don’t actually parent their children. On both the flight out and the flight back to DC I had to interact first with “little Davey” who was just darling and kicking the back of my seat. Little Davey learned not to kick the back of the big scary man’s seat when I threatened to eat him for breakfast and gave him my I’ll shoot your puppy look. Little Jessica’s dad learned the hard way. After standing in line behind her screaming self for security check, then the gate and half of the flight (a grand total of 4 hours of a screaming blond brat), I threatened to force feed the screaming child a bottle of maker’s mark if Little Jessica’s dad didn’t do something to comfort his child. When little Jessica’s dad told me that I was not her father I had to respond, “Well clearly someone should take on the job of parenting this child because clearly you’re not, and if you want to discuss this further I have to inform you that I’m a social worker and bound by law to report child abuse and neglect.” Little Jessica shut up mighty quickly.

Evidently in Utah it’s perfectly acceptable to decorate public fountains with plastic fish that have been attached to the bottom of the fountain so that the fish “swim” at various depths in the fountain. I kid you not.

Bennie Hanna is not what I consider a good restaurant; however, evidently it’s up there with Olive Garden and Chi-Chi’s (they still exist?) as recommended fine dining by the concierge.

All this is to say, I’m sufficiently traumatized that I’m going to hide my fears in a bottle of Jack Daniels. On a good note though, I seem to have continued my streak of meeting a handsome eligible doctor that lives in another state so I should flirt with him and potentially start another long-distance relationship with said doctor until he demands that I move to the hinterlands. I kid you not but this has happened no less that four times on various and assorted trips related to work. Scott meets doctor, Scott flirts with doctor. Scott dates doctor. There’s an odd pattern here that I’m going to have to investigate. I’ll have to post more about it later. Anyway I’m off to convene with Jack.

Off for a Few Days

2006-06-16T16:48:00.000-05:00

Alas kids, I have the extreme pleasure of heading to Salt Lake City for a few days for work. Hence I'll not be posting but I'm sure that I'll have lots to say in terms of that specially blessed Morman underwear, utter lack of a starbucks in a 300 mile radius and blue laws.

Who am I kidding, I've already packed a stash of coffee and some mini-bottles to make it through.

Then again, I could be surprised. More next week.

I don't make this up, I swear

2006-06-15T11:04:00.001-05:00

What could be better that pride in DC? Celebrating three friends birthday's (all the 13th) at a swanky restaurant with a great view and having the entire table of 8 ululate loudly as we realized that Jenna Bush was leaving the next table. Good times kids, Good times!

The Guide

2006-06-08T10:04:00.000-05:00

S H A M E !

Oh Pride! Well ladies and gentlemen, it’s that time of year when Capital Pride lures all sorts of gays and lesbians out of the woodwork and crashing upon Dupont for a weekend of debauchery. Those of us who live normal and everyday fabulous gay lives in the Nation’s Capitol will be out in force, along with a special group of gays…those never seen. So today I give you the guide to the rarely seen gays and lesbians, who will in fact, make an appearance at pride.

The Softball Femme. This particular breed of lesbian often makes a noted appearance at pride, having taken the weekend off from the plethora of sports with which she participates. These include, but are no way limited to, softball, field hockey, soccer, flag football and ultimate Frisbee. Taking on the appearance of a femme, the Softball femme will appear in khaki shorts and two color coordinated tank-tops from the Gap. She’ll also have a blond pony-tail pulled back and most likely will be sporting a made-up face that is surprisingly natural in the make-up application. Beware, while the Softball femme looks totally approachable, she’ll crack any guy's nuts with the drop of a heartbeat. Identifying drink is any beer in a can.

The Military Queen. Risking the anonymity of the hordes of people that converge upon DC for pride, the Military queen will make an appearance from behind the computer screen to actually venture out into the real gay world. Noting that it’s easier to blend in among a crowd, the military queen is still easily picked out due to their erect posture, baseball cap pulled down over their eyes and the darkest of dark sunglasses. The baseball cap and sunglasses magically disappear once the military queen enters a dark and crowded bar, but are only replaced by darting eyes and a generally nervous and twitching appearance. Initial approach of the military queen should be taken with caution as they will appear flighty; however, once you’ve fed him four or five gin and tonics or beam and cokes (no vodka it’s not manly enough), the military queen will turn magically into the super slut that she is on gay.com or craigslist and will put out quite easily, legs flying over her head. Just make sure to kick her out before sun rises or she’ll be a big mess in the morning wondering how to get back to base.

The Fanny Pack Crowd. This group of gays and lesbians are easily identified by their fanny packs and are inevitably from the Dirty Vag, the Outer reaches of the Dirty Vag (W.V.) or South Carolina. North Carolinians are exempt from this group because of our higher educational system including Duke, Wake Forest, UNC and Davidson which are used to import Yankees to the state to improve the overall fashion and speech patterns. The Fanny Pack Crowd will tend to hover in small groups at stare with awe at the gays and lesbians in our fabulousness and will have waist sizes that rival small bovines. Interaction should be limited to pointing out that they can’t get a Coors Lite and pointing them in the direction of Annie’s for a steak.

The Lesbian Thug. This particular variety of lesbian is not to be confused with the butch crowd. This bitch will cut ya. She’s the particular short and round lesbian that’s sporting a reasonable amount of bling, pants hanging below her ass and a Mystics/Sparks/Liberty basketball jersey that praise Allah covers her granny panties that would otherwise be seen due to the pants below the ass. The lesbian thug may also be seen wearing a skull cap is likely to have a bad case of acne which may be in part to the elevated levels of T she’s taking while exploring whether or not she wants to make the change to a regular ole garden variety male thug. Interaction is best left to crossing to the opposite side of the street when the Lesbian Thug approaches. The drink of choice is anything under three dollars with no tip.

The Britney Spears Queen. Hearing “Ohmygody’allI’minthebigcity” is the official way to determine a Britney Queen, similar to the Fanny Pack Crowd, this group of gays is generally from the small town rural variety of living. However, with the advent of satellite television and Netflix, they are better versed in gay life due in great part to Will and Grace and seasons 1-4 of Queer as Folk. Inevitably sporting some form of “out and proud t-shirt” and a plethora of rainbow flags and accoutrement, they still don’t quite get it and many times are seen in denim shorts and high-top sneakers or the worst atrocity, overalls. How very gay 90’s. The drink of choice of the Britney Queen is a wine spritzer, but they’re likely to go all out and get a Cosmo. Interaction with the Britney Queen is in large part easy, because they are so easily distracted by modern city life including the metro and taxi cabs.

Twink with a Flag. While not unknown in the gay world, the twink dancing with a flag is included in this special edition of the gays you never see simply for one reason—daylight. This special group of gays, typically seen at large disco events, circuit parties and on top of a box dances fabulously, but only after dark. Inevitably he’ll be shirtless with a substantial application of glitter and rivaling Mary Kate Olsen for the boniest hips on the planet. Do not attempt to feed this twink no matter how emaciated he looks and approach the twink dancing with a flag with caution as he has most likely been tweaking for many hours and is likely to drool incoherently about needing a blow pop and a bottle of pride water.

The Pre-Operative Transexual Lesbian. This straight guy is the confused one who wants to be a woman and but is still attracted to women making him a general mess. The pre-operative transsexual lesbian or POTL, will appear in Dynasty era dress, hair, and make-up channeling Linda Evans to his/her best ability. At both times wanting to appear as a femme lesbian, but still wanting to go on a muff dive, this particular breed is separated from the garden variety drag queen by the inappropriately applied make-up. Generally the POTL is just emerging from his/her shell and pride is the first event where he can don his mother’s dress outside of the bedroom. The POTL is harmless; however they are prone to get super drunk on wine coolers and shots of whiskey as neither the guy nor the girl identity can win out.

So that’s it, "The 2006 Edition of The Gays and Lesbians You Normally Don’t See Guide to Capital Pride."

An open letter to the Territorial Representation

2006-06-06T15:26:00.000-05:00

Dear Delegates Faleomavaega, Holmes-Norton, Bordallo, Fortuno and Christensen:

You are tried and true Democrats who serve our nation well, the fact that you all represent token areas in Congress and don't actually get to vote on anything puts you in an interesting place. That being said, We need your voice.

I'm sure that you've been recently made aware of the little Federal Amendment to ban us homos from getting married. As if the sanctity of marriage rested on my and my future paramour's ability to pick out the perfect table settings from Pottery Barn and an ideal assortment of kitchen ware from Sur la Table or accessorize any room from Ikea really mattered. It's all about marriage and somehow we're a threat. Ok ok I get it, but I have a little plan to really protect the sanctity of marriage and I'm gonna need your help.

You see, since you all come from heavily democratic areas (and you have no voting records to protect) we need y'all to stand up and scream, and introduce one tiny piece of legislation. Yup I'm talkin about a Federal Amendment to the Constitution that Bans Divorce. If we're so worried about the gays getting married and the sanctity of marriage, shouldn't we be protecting marriage in the first place? Yup, thats the answer, ban Divorce.

Now I'm sure some conservative republican constitutional scholars are going to talk about how this violates a straight person's right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I imagne that Rush Limbaugh is going to get up set that he won't be able to marry a future divorcee of his, but isn't that what its all about? We're saving marriage here, the gay's have already given up on the right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness routine. Fair is fair, right?

Oh yes, and I'm sure that Britany Spears and K-Fed will rue the day that they said "til death do us part" but honestly, if one of them cuts out a little early due to suicide woundn't that just make the world a much better place? See straight people don't have to stay married, they already have an out with death. Of course we might see more murders this way, but think of it as charity for all the divorce lawyers out there, they can now become defense attorneys in the plethora of murder cases that will arise.

See to me, it just makes much more sense as a measure to protect marriage that not allowing us gay's to get married, just ban divorce. I think it will help the straights to pick out more appropriate partners too, I mean if you can never get divorced certainly Jen and Barbara and Noel and George P and John "Jebby" will exercise much more discretion for the future and wait to make appropriate decisions about who they'll marry til after they have sex in the parking lot, oh wait Jebby already did that.

So dearest Eni, Eleanor, Madeline, Luis and Donna it's time for you to step up to the plate. Use your status as useless delegates to introduce another useless federal amendment. It really will make a difference in protecting the sanctity of marriage.

Sincerely,

A Citizen Concerned About the Sanctity of Marriage

Lest We Forget

2006-06-05T14:43:00.000-05:00

Today marks the twenty-fifth anniversary of the first announcement of what is today known as AIDS. Having worked a substantial portion of my career in this field, I have a lot to say on the subject, sometimes not always nice. I’ve been contemplating over the past week or so some format of how to articulate everything that I want to say about this issue, but it’s honestly just too much, so this post from here on is a random sampling.

It bothers me how much people still don’t know about HIV and AIDS, and yes the really are two different things. HIV, or human immunodeficiency virus, is the literal virus that causes AIDS or Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome. AIDS is a syndrome or a collection of symptoms that are related, in and of itself it’s not a disease. It causes me great pain when reporters and others talk about the HIV virus (its redundant—human immunodeficiency virus virus) or the AIDS virus. Here we are 25 years later and common little mistakes bother me.

It bothers me that gay men are so complacent about HIV these days and that barebacking is accepted as a norm without much challenge. It bothers me even more that many people, me included, often turn a blind eye to crystal meth use and its impact on the spread of this disease. It bothers me that some gay men are too selfish to not to wear a condom or ask a simple question. I guess ignorance can be bliss. But as much of a pain in the ass it is, I like to know my status and get tested every six months.

I remember having a conversation with a fresh faced, newly out gay a few years back that involved me attempting to give him a condom when it became very apparent that he and a good friend of mine were going to hook up. He basically asked me if my friend was HIV positive and I responded that I have no idea, but he should be prepared. Long and short this poor kid who’s never buried someone responded, “Its ok, you just take a few pills, besides he doesn't look sick.” I, in term, had a meltdown. Sure, you can take a few pills, many a day for the rest of your life. These pills are fun and cause temperature spiking, violent diarrhea, stomach cramps, body fat distribution and a whole host of other complications. But that seems to be a standard gay response; I’ll just take a few pills and be ok.

It scares me to think that countries around the world are repeating the same mistakes that the US made early in the epidemic. Here AIDS was once associated with the 4-H club, no not the school aged group, but Homosexuals, Heroine Users, Hemophiliacs and Haitians. No one else was affected and therefore we were free to ignore the issue. These patterns are being repeated around the world in sub-Saharan Africa, in India and China and Russia without any regard to the countless number of lives that are being lost.

I hate the fact that women have no effective prevention methods that don’t involve condom negotiation. Women, especially in developing countries have to negotiate, often with their own husbands and in unequal power relationships to protect themselves. Violence and rape often occur when a woman breaches the subject of condoms. The world rapidly needs a viable microbicide.

I once gave a quote at the 14th International Conference on AIDS in Barcelona that still haunts me, but I actually think it may be proving true…"There is the whole notion that AIDS is over in the United States, that it's not a problem any more. Prevention messages are not working. We do have gay men barebacking. We have risk groups sharing needles again. We've got heterosexuals that have no idea what's going on. We have a whole generation of people under the age of 30 that don't remember the AIDS epidemic, that think it's nothing more than, 'Hell, you take a couple of pills and you'll be fine. Things are going to have to get worse again before they'll ever get better, Resistant HIV, an explosion of HIV, something may go wrong with the medications, we’re nowhere near over."

So here we are, twenty-five years later and what have we learned. This little beastie isn’t going anywhere. President Clinton is working on the issue full time at his Foundation; President Bush’s Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief may actually be the high point of his Presidency. The governments of the world are finally paying attention; it’s just that the rest of us are not. I’m not sure what’s worse, the early days when the New York Times ran six stories of AIDS and 54 stories about deaths from contaminated Tylenol in a year or now, when we just turn our heads and look the other way, but it scares me so very, very much. So happy birthday AIDS, I wish that you don't make it to 50.

Allegedly!

2006-06-02T11:17:00.000-05:00

So in honor of our Kathy Griffin tickets for this Sunday at the Warner Theater, I hereby pay homage to Gay-DC’s D-list celebrities.

Mr. Important Republican Lobbyist, you once trounced into my bar, demanding full attention and in general acting a fool. While my attempts to veil my disdain were successful, you’re attempts not to be a complete and total idiot were not. Our interaction came to a culmination when I finally came over to provide you service and you inquired “Don’t you know who I am?” Of course I know! You’re the head of an important, albeit useless group. However, I did respond, “no I don’t think we’ve met,” to which you dramatically introduced yourself. I served you our classic Ketel One martini with a twist (of which I’d served many before) and inquired if you knew who I was. You responded with my name, which although was correct was the wrong answer. “I’m your bartender Mr. Important Republican Lobbyist, and I can make your life miserable by ignoring your important self” is the correct response.

Mr. Local TV celebrity, when I’m good friends with one of your closest associates on the earth, you don’t ask me who I am when we’ve met on countless occasions and I’ve had dinner in your kitchen. You know full and well who I am, so please in the future, drop the pretense or next time I’ll use your name in this post, outing you to all readers even though I’m sure most already know that you’re a big ole homo.

Mr. P Man, I’m sorry that you’ve committed some atrocity in your home country of Poland, are here in the U.S. illegally and are all sketched out on Tina and roam the runway at all times of day. I try and be nice and let you use the bathroom, hence you got the nickname of “p-man.” I do want you to know, however, on those frequent occurrences when the men’s bathroom is out of order, it’s much more appropriate to use the women’s bathroom than to just relieve yourself in your pants. It’s ok, really.

Honey, you are soooo not a massage therapist. You’re a working gurl. Just accept that we all know what you do behind those doors to earn your dollar. Really, nobody really cares except your clientele.

Dear former colleague who works for a national HIV advocacy organization. It really IS NOT a good idea to have online pictures of yourself barebacking! That’s just not right. You’re supposed to be trying to end this epidemic, not spread it.

Miss thing, you sign off all of your emails with “yours in the struggle.” Honey the only thing struggling is your ability to coordinate your eggplant, lime green, bring orange, yellow, teal and whatever other brightly colored atrocities of a suit that you've purchased with another garishly colored shirt. I’m not quite sure that you’ve struggled at your job or anything else in years. So please just tone it done, if for no one else then do it for the children.

And finally, to you my mentor and good friend, it still amazes me that you can continue to work for that job, but I know that you’re a career civil servant and not an appointee. Just know that I think you’re wonderful, that you’ve educated me in countless ways, and I enjoy our conference chats and tidbits of gossip. I thank you for taking me under your wing and helping my career to grow. You might not be the most well known in DC, but you’re no D-lister to me.

Saturday Nights are Fun

2006-05-22T14:10:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I met you Saturdqay night with some of my straight buddies after the Nats game, and you came up to me all drunk begging me to be your "gay friend" because "every girl needs a gay." I think I had talked to you for about 2 minutes at this point. Seriously, what the fuck does that even mean? It's not even like you calling me gay is rude to start with. But the fact that you want me to round out your friend demographic, not for my personality or anything about me, but just because I'm gay is offensive. Would you have the balls to go up to somebody who is black and ask them that? Honey I don't think so.

So here's my question. Why do girls feel the need to come up to gay guys and ask us this? Why do I always hear "oh i used to have a gay friend in college so will you be my 'gay friend' now?" That or "oh you're so cute" or "honey" or "sweetie" like i'm a little dog or something. Seriously stop. I'm not small and while I am furry, I won't fit in your purse, so don't talk to me like that. I have a lot of "fag-hag" type friends but I also have a lot of guy friends that I like to go to Nats games with and drink with. Hell, I've even been to Archibalds with em. I'm friends with these people because they like me for reasons other than my sexuality, and the majority of our conversations don't revolve around it. Gasp, I actually don't sport glitter and half-shirts, and I don't like to spend all day at the mall shopping with you and giving you boy advice! Sorry to disappoint you. I guess I'm just a "bad gay."

Oh and to answer your question, you eye-sore girl from Saturday night, no, I won't be your friend. If you wanna play stereotypes and assume that all homos are a trendy accessory because we're somehow inherently hipper or more cosmopolitan or whatever, then how's this for a stereotypically shallow gay comment: Seriously you're gross. You wear braces, you have a speech impediment and I'm not sure if it's due to the braces or the sheer amount of plaque that's built up due to your inability to purchase toothpaste and dental floss. Also, I'm sorry, but I can't hang out with a size 14 (I'm being generous) who dresses in a burlap sac. G-d apparently hates you to curse you with looks that can burn holes in one's retinas upon direct eye contact or cause an instant case of throwing up a little bit in the mouth. Secondly, I'm afraid I've already filled the "verbally-challenged-narrow-minded-fat-girl" quota in my friendship cirle. If, however, a space opens, I'll be sure to give you a moo. I'm not sure what's uglier: you or your stereotypical remarks.

So to you, girl from Saturday night or "Girl-who-gets-less-dick-than-me-and-must-compensate-for-men's-disinterest-by-having-a-man-albeit-a-platonic-one-in-her-life," next time you see one of "us", maybe try chatting it up first. Maybe ask something else aside from "oooh honey how much do you love my dress?" No, I don't like your tarp and I really don't care what you're wearing. You offended me, my friends and probably three-quarters of the patrons of the bar we were at. Quite frankly you suck, but I must thank you for confirming my homosexuality!

Thought for Premier Day

2006-05-19T10:29:00.000-05:00

This man (on the left wearing a fabulous vintage chiffon-lined Dior gold lamé gown over a silk Vera Wang empire waist tulle cocktail dress, accessorized with a 3-foot beaded peaked House of Whoville hat, and the ruby slippers Judy Garland wore in the Wizard of Oz) is worried that The Da Vinci Code might make the Roman Catholic Church look foolish.

Dear Patrons...and Yes I do know better than you.

2006-05-18T16:11:00.000-05:00

I'm a bartender and while I just substitute these days I need to provide you a few quick tips to better your service at my bar. Some of these are quite general, while others may be directed at a more specific audience. Due to time constraints and your obvious lack of attention, the list has been considerably shortened.

1. Old guy over 50- I can see your still-wet hair, glittery bitch watch, two rings, your beemer key chain and that crisp 50 dollar bill you keep waving like a white peace flag to stop the gays from raping you. All that 50 will do is take all the change out of my register, none of which is going to end up back on my bar you cheap bastard. I'm busy, wait your turn like the other 20 people in front of you. And tell that 40-yr old skank you are hanging with that she's a real trendsetter with her bad bleach job and that Poison-style perm she’s sporting.

2. Blond Twink-I know you're hot, you're actually gorgeous, and if you were in a bar where I was drunk I'd probably flirt with ya, but this ID looks like something my niece made in her 1st grade art class. If I serve you and lose my job, can you guarantee me lifelong BJs and monthly stipends from Daddy's Trust Fund? No then get the ‘eff out of my bar.

3. Hill Staffer/Frat boy w/ the Shiny New Job-No, I don't know where you can get "some good shit." Just because I'm a bartender doesn't make me Pablo fucking Escobar. And even if I was holding a tweener and looked like I just drilled a few lines while checking for some non-existent drink condiment in the pantry downstairs, I would definitely use it in a bribe attempt with the twink that I just refused to serve it's not comming to you. Oh and by the way, I’m trying to get a job with security clearance, so no I don’t have any nor will I tell you where to score it.

4. Inexperienced Group Leader-You've been milling around, waiting a good 10 minutes for a drink. I've no problem that you have 9 people in the group (believe me, I can knock out a 9 drink order for a group quicker than Oprah can finish a melting ice cream cone). I don't care that the girls are getting impatient for a Cosmo, its a bar and these issues are fairly prevalent on any busy night. But when I finally get to you and say "What can I get for everyone?" your response should go something like " a quick and clearly barked out precise 9 drink order." NOT, "Hey what does everybody want?" Christ pal, maybe while your rent-a-date was pissing and moaning for 10 minutes your college-educated ass should have thought to ask her (and everybody else) what the ‘eff they were thirsty for. And don't give me that "you shot my yellow lab puppy" look while I ignore your preppy ass for the next half hour.

5. Stupid Giggling Girl-Yes, we really do serve our drinks British style, you get a glass of liquor and a bottle of mixer and no I don’t have more time to get you a big-gurl glass with more ice, there’s about 80 people on the patio, another 60 inside and 20 at my bar. By the way, you asked me this same asinine question last week and I had to be hateful with my response. If you’re going to continue to be a pain in my ass, well I’m gonna have to be a pain in yours, karma just kinda works that way when I’m bartending.

6. My name is not: Bartender, Buddy, Pal, Guy, Bro, Garcon you pretentious prick (and by the way, don't ever again ask for a Stolichnaya up, say Stoli or I will take that 800 pg saga you bring in to read on Wed. evenings and crack your fucking skull). I know I'm a fucking bartender, it said so on the application. You are not my buddy or pal, I've never seen you outside of the bar. I am not your bro, I have one sister buttfuck, and only she gets to call me “bro.” And Garcon? If you want shitty service and a pretend atmosphere, you can go next door to the newly renovated French bistro.

7. Pretentious Gay-Dude, I’m a big ole homo too, but lose the attitude, this is a neighborhood dive bar where everyone is welcome, yes the smoke is too thick, yes the carpet smells like stale beer and vomit (and we haven’t hit full humidity yet) and yes I’m sure the bathroom needs a little bit of clean-up, when Immigration Reform passes Congress or I get a chance to learn Spanish I’ll be sure to inform the bus boys in broken English, until then shut up. Oh yeah, if you come up to my bar again and slam the half-empty “Appletini” on the bar and inform me it’s not strong enough and want me to make another one again, I’ll have to point out that it’s made from apple schnapps and vodka and I can’t make it any stronger, hint, it's all alcohol. If you need a stronger drink, be a man and don’t order appletini’s.

8. Dear “I can’t find my server”-When I told you that we have table service, that means that fun guys and gals in matching uniforms go up to each table and take orders that they bring to me. At this point I make the drinks and they take them back. That's how they make money! I shouldn’t have to point out to your ignorant ass for the third time that if you’re sitting outside you have to go through a waiter or waitress. And by the way, if instead of running inside to the bar and trying unsuccessfully again to order your drink from me, if you were sitting there, you’d know that the waitress you can’t find is actually at your table now.

9. Drunk Fuck-I've saved you for last time. I didn't cut you off for being drunk. I love drunk people and, when I'm not behind the bar, I usually fall in that category. There are a few actions that I consider "stepping over the line" and these will get you escorted out of my bar, either peacefully or with the Louisville Slugger I keep behind the bar. It’s a special Louisville slugger that my sister gave to me and had signed by Jason Varitek, he’s hawt and I like it.

But I digress.

Drunk Fuck-You cannot stumble over in a fit of drool and incoherent Turret's speak, try to hug one of my good friends and regular customers, grab her ass while trying to whisper in her ear, get rejected and begin to pull that inhaler-sized dick out of your pants to drown the bar in piss, without expecting me to beat your ass, I may be gay, but I’m sober and I can land a few well deserved hits. In the end, I'm not sure what was funnier: the look of total bewilderment on your face when I told you to get the fuck out, or your nose bleeding like an unkinked garden hose as the cops dragged your pathetic ass out. Thanks for stopping by.

Folks, if you follow even just a few of these guidelines, I promise the night out will be more enjoyable for me and you. Sláinte!

Is it Hate to Love or Love to Hate?

2006-05-16T09:42:00.000-05:00

Ok, ok I get it. Actually no I don’t. More than once I’ve referenced the fact that I grew up in the south, I get religion. I understand it, how it helps to frame someone’s point of reference and while I don’t actually get religion (sorry I’m not a big let’s go to the prayer meetin’ kind of guy), I understand its value for people.

That being said, what is going on with religious types these days? The latest news out of the Vatican is that the “success of the Da Vinci Code is a sign of hatred in the world.” Hullo pot, kettle calling. Evidently Catholics everywhere are being hated on by this book and it’s a direct result of hatred in the world.

Ok I read the book, I found it mildly entertaining as it took all of an afternoon to put back, but it’s a STORY. This is what we call fiction in the educated world and it’s supposed to be entertaining and make money. I can buy into the “logic” that Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene and that she’s the Holy Grail of myth, but at the same time I can get the “logic” that the actual chalice used by Christ during the Last Supper is blessed and it’s the Holy Grail. The thing about religion is that it’s called faith. Anything that challenges your beliefs is supposed to ultimately reinforce your faith, so wouldn’t you think that the emergence of the Da Vinci Code would be used by good Catholics as a reinforcement of their faith?

Not so, apparently the poor Catholics are being repressed by the evil book of fiction. Someone is calling into question what they believe in and that is hate. It’s the same when Christians blame gay activists as being hateful when we call something homophobic. Ok, you can tell me that I’m going to burn in hell, but I can’t call you homophobic. Apparently they can have their bigoted views, but nobody else can say that they are bigoted, otherwise you’re hating on religion.

This is what gets me about organized religion. On the one hand, the church is out there telling everyone how to live, what is and isn’t a sin and in general bashing people they don’t agree with, gays, abortionist, stem cell researchers etc. but as soon as someone questions them, they’re automatically a victim of some organized plot to undermine everything. Expressing a different viewpoint from the church isn’t expressing a different view, it’s hatred.

So this is where I don’t get religion. If the Da Vinci Code is so horrible, then why wasn’t Indiana Jones and the Lost Ark sacrilegious? To me the Da Vinci Code is nothing more than “hey, that’s an interesting idea, I wonder if there is a tomb at the Louvre?” It’s not mean or hateful, it’s just an idea. Maybe if more holy rollers could accept this, we’d be in a much better place.

When Harry Met Sally

2006-05-09T08:23:00.001-05:00

Today Janet posed an interesting question that I've been pondering for years. Yes it’s true, can a man and a woman be friends as originally posed in When Harry met Sally? I have to believe that there is only once instance when this really occurs, where there is friendship bu no alterior motives no chance that the strain of gender will impact the outcome of the relationship. So yes a man and a woman can be friends--they just have to be a lesbian and a gay man to really pull it off. Accordingly, here are my reasons why any other permutation won't work.

1) Straight man-Straight Woman. Never gonna happen. There's always the possibility if one of them is really, really but ugly that it could happen, but even then it's likely that the less attractive of the pair will develop feelings for the more attractive because s/he never gets the attention from other members of the opposite sex and the friendship will be perceived as "interested." Hence the relationship will be doomed to fail. Other than that, men (yes I'm one and can say this) are typically pigs and sex will likely enter the picture in his eyes at some point in time. Hence this group can never really work because it's ultimately all about sex.

2) Straight man-Lesbian. This one has the potential as long as straight man doesn't cross that line of wanting a threesome with the lesbian and his experimental girlfriend. But more than one guy has the fantasy that lesbian will hop in bed with he and the significant other. I've seen this too many times and what is it with straight guys and three ways anyway? What is really going to happen in all likelihood is that the straight guy will end up being emasculated when he discovers that lesbian can put back more Budweiser/Miller Lite in an hour than he can at an afternoon at the ballpark. While initially this will be perceived as cool on his part, feelings of inadequacy will eventually arise and he'll be the one leaving the relationship knowing that lesbian can kick his ass.

3) Straight Woman-Gay Man. While I'm all about the ladies that support us boys in the struggle to find good husband material, shop for wonderful accessories and gossip about the latest local and Hollywood trash, these relationships are in fact simply materialistic. I've witnessed more than once the great straight girl companion who is given cab fare home and ditched while the boy hooks up with his newest conquest. The straight girl always get the short end of the stick here and unless she’s truly got a strong will (which most girls don’t that start out these relationships) the friendship quickly turns to co-dependency. At worst this becomes the quintessential fag-hag relationship where she’s conniving multiple plots to kidnap him, turn him straight and live out their lives happily ever after. It’s a big mess and straight woman-gay man relationships should be entered to with heavy debate and consideration of the outcome.

4) Straight Guy-Gay Guy. In general these won’t work either. You can be drinking buddies or sports buddies or any other permutation of buddy, but when it comes to friendship these tend to not develop very far and when they do all kinds of shit breaks loose. Essentially there will come a point where straight guy either thinks that gay guy is trying to bed him and begins to question his sexuality or their friendship or gay guy actually tries to do this and all kinds of awkwardness ensues. These are best left to occasional interactions without much emotional investment.

5) Straight Woman-Lesbian. Again, see above straight man-gay man; however, most likely the straight woman will begin to question her sexuality as she is demonstrated a strong willed, independent female in the lesbian. A friendship bond will form that is more likely to be strained by the straight woman when she expresses that she want to experiment with the other side. I’m not against experimentation here, but eventually the straight girl will remember why she likes guys (same as gays--it’s the appendage) and the lesbian will be left smoldering as straight girl goes back to her original conquests leaving the lesbian dejected and alone.

6) Gay Guy-Lesbian. Here we have the ultimate answer to: can men and women be friends? Yes, this relationship can work. First of all there will be absolutely no sexual tension in this relationship and trust me if a gay man likes a lesbian or vice versa then you know that their opposite sex friends are likely to be good dating partners. The few gay men that lesbians like are sure to be of high quality, same goes for lesbians that the gays like; however, this friendship is best entered into among subsets of the gay and lesbian world. There are structures that work better than others though. Essentially the gay man that likes beer and sports must be matched with the lesbian that likes art and brunch. That way both of you can make fun of each other for not having the stereotypical traits of your subset. You can also engage in activities that your other half enjoys buy you are expected to participate in, thereby increasing the friendship value.

So yes, Harry and Sally can be friends, it just happens it’s more likely to be a Michael and Tina that really work.

Gay Brother to the Rescue

2006-05-08T12:55:00.000-05:00

I love my sister, I really do, but it seems once again, it's time for the gay brother to come to the rescue. Ya see, my mom's birthday coincides with Mother's Day on a pretty regular basis. So being the good homo son, I try to go home as often as I can for this event. It keeps mom happy, which in turn leads to fewer, "when are you coming home again" torrents from the family.

That being said, I'll be retiring to the great state of NC for the weekend and essentially taking over my sister's household. For those of you who aren't familiar with NC, its the valley of humility between two mountains of conciet (VA and SC). We're basically the good laid back southerns who aren't totally screwed up in some racisit fashion although they did manage to keep electing Jessie Helms the entirity of my life until he retired in 2002; however, that trend seems to be changing as the state continues to move in a more democratic way.

Anyway, back to the sister. Like I said, I do love my sister but clearly we got some kind of gay gene reversal between the two of us. She's not very domestic preferring to order out more often than not. I mean this is the woman who was preparing a recipe that called for 1/2 a cup of pimentos and what does she do? She buys the gallon of olives and proceeds to pick a pimento out of each olive. I still love her for that story that and the fact that she can knock back a martini like a champ, hey she still has the olives.

So this weekend she's decided that I'll be the host of our Mother's Day/Birthday Brunch and while I've been given some leeway in what to prepare, the sis is very adamant that I am to prepare cinnamon scones (evidently her love of Starbucks is on par with mine). Of course being a self-respecting southerner and homo I have a basic scone recipie that can be adjusted for the filling and baked on an ordinary cookie sheet; however, once again the sis has provided me with the giggles. She informed me that she's ordered a new scone pan from Williams and Sonoma for me to break in. I'm sure it will be exactly like here creme brulee set that generally only gets used when I'm home around the holidays, but hey, she's a pharmacists and makes more money that g-d so I'll gladly use her new toy. Only one day, I'll have to take off an extended period of time and teach the girl how to cook so she can use her fun new toys.

Not so Bad but Not so Great

2006-05-04T12:48:00.000-05:00

So as I recently posted, momma has had knee issues since she was a wee little twink playing soccer back in the south. Well I had my consult with the orthopedic surgeon today, whom by the way is kinda hot in a dirty doctor patient kinda way. Anywho, the reports are back in and it could be worse.

For those with not so strong stomachs, I'd recommend just taking my word for it. So as I call it, the big whopper knee surgery that fixed a problem where I took out all four ligaments in my right knee during a fun little hyperextension of the knee needs a little maintainence. Because I had previously had my right Anterior Cruciate Ligament reconstructed using my pre-patellar tendon, the big whopper surgery resulted in the introduction of "Ed," my cadaver ACL. Yes I really do have a dead person's ACL in my right knee, in fact two, Ed also came along with "Betsy" who was substitute posterior cruciate ligament.

Well it seems that Ed has decided that he doesn't want to play in my knee and has decided to partially rip the screw holding him into my femur out a little bit, which is why my knee's been swelling up and hurting. You can definitly see the screw head a couple of milimeters out of the bone. Doc Fine also pulled off about 45 cc's of a nice bloody fluid from my knee just to help get some of the swelling down. All in all, I should be hurting.

The good news is that this isn't going to be a major whack job, and it may actually not even have to happen at all. Current treatment plan is to have me do yet another stint of rehab (and no jokes about my affinity for beer and whiskey), build up the leg muscle a bit more and evaluate a few months down the road. If Ed cooperates, then we'll leave it alone, if not then they'll have to do an orthroscopy to screw him back into my femur, but those only involve three little incisions and quick recovery time!

So as it looks right now, I won't have any pain killers for you kids to try and steal off of me, but I'll be hobbling around town yet again, at least til my neo-nazi physical therapist is satisfied that I've suffered enough. All in all, its a good thing.

The Hallowed Halls

2006-05-01T11:25:00.000-05:00

Today, actually having to do some of that lobbying work for sleep that I've been known to engage in, I schlepped myself up to the Capital Hill to have a meeting with some nice little House Republican Girl about work. While always attempting to maintain the correct protocol with these meetings, I arrived about 15 minutes early and decided rather than make a grand entrance I'd hang out in the hall and make my actual arrival promptly at 11:00. This was a grand decision as two events transpired that made my day.

First, you have to love the security guards that work the buildings at Congress. Across the hall from my meeting with important Republican Girl, a lovely little coalition was gathering to meet on some pressing issue and generally get an update from begnin House Staffers. Of course their meeting room was locked, so coalition crew engaged in lound and witty banter. At one point my new favorite strong black woman candidate came down the hall and announced..."Ladies and gentlement, y'all need to clear the hallway so people can pass and keep it down. There's people trying to work up in here, or so they say."

Can I just tell you I now love this woman.

Second, having been recruited to do a substitute bartending stint for a couple of Sundays, I had the extreme pleasure of patio viewing that led to the identification of the gayest thing I've ever seen. Yesterday, enjoying his absolut and cranberry juice on the patio was a not so young man wearing a light pink head band over his thinning brown hair with blond highlights. He also had on light pink yenta sized sunglasses and a similarly colored cell phone. Of course, not to be outdone, the toes in the flip flops (unfortunately not the same shade of pink) were painted bright hooker red. The image is topped off by the gold sequened handbag. If the bag was pink, I would have sworn that Elle Woods had vomited on the patio, but alas it was gold. All of this is to really say that this wonderful viewing opportunity from yesterday was working next to important Republican Girl in Important Republican Congresswoman's office today! I'm sure that my eyes were as big as teacups when I made this discovery, but I managed to supress the church giggle and conduct my meeting with utmost dignity.

Oh the wonderful world of Capital Hill.

MEAN-O

2006-04-25T12:33:00.000-05:00

Having off and on bartended on 17th street for close to six years, one would think I've seen it all. Actually I have. Hence last summer watching the world go by on "the runway of tragedy" on Channel 17, I and a beloved bar patron came up with a fun little game we like to call MEAN-O.

MEAN-O is a version of BINGO played on the warmer patio days when all sorts of tragic things parade down the runway. And of course being me, MEAN-O is well, mean. Essentially you get a card with various characters and you have to cover your card. Catty commentary is most welcome and expected.

MEAN-O was highly played last summer and fall, so I've decided to come up with version 2. Here's the list to date, please feel free to add as this will only increase the overall enjoyment levels:

1) Of course it has to be mr light-up-rollerblade guy (yes his wheels light up when (s)he goes by)
2) White couple (of any gender) with an Asian baby
3) Straight couple with baby stroller of death
4) Gay couple in matching dress
5) Botched parallel parking job
6) Pandering homeless guy (bouns square of your choice free if he accepts credit cards)
7) Individual(s) with tragically funny and scandalous bar story (i.e. the girl who pee's herself while sitting at the bar) Story must be retold
8) Over-muscular gay guy with extremely gay little dog
9) Random (and lost) straight family with at least 2 kids on vacation
10) Confrontational crazy/homeless person
11) Female with knock-off hand bag three sizes too big bought on a street corner
12) Car driving the wrong way down the street (emergency service vehicles are exempt)
13) Meter maid ticketing the same car more than twice
14) Gay guy that passes by more than once with a different "friend" each time
15) Small child "raising money" by selling items out of a milk crate
16) Trip, fall or otherwise stumbling by a sober individual, cause by side walk adventure
17) Innappropriately dressed lesbian
18) Innappropriately dressed gay man
19) Shirtless (and shoudn't be) running, blading, biking or cruising gay man
20) Individual still drunk from yesterday
21) Cracked out tina queen
22) Baby homo with a popped polo collar AND matching flip flops
23) Queen that picked out her shoes to bring out the highlights in her eyes or hair
24) Protester or any variation thereof (carrying a sign, banner, or wearing more than 7 buttons). Under no circumstance is this individual to be allowed on the Patio
25) Team participating in a scavenger hunt or bar crawl
26) Straight family from out of town who's Dad deliberately brought them to 17th street
27) Female over the age of 30 wearing a tube top or mini skirt (and obviously shouldn't be)
28) Gratiously showing thong (any gender)
29) Angry and drunk bartender from a neighboring establishment
30) Platinum dye-job gone wrong
31) Leather daddy and boy
32) Last night or week's trick/date
33) Someone you call on a cell phone and watch screen your call
34) Five individuals who you can identify by their primary drink
35) Individual banned from one or more establishment on 17th street

Well I think that's enough to start, anyone else, feel free to add.

Random Musings on My Office Building

2006-04-24T12:08:00.000-05:00

I work on K Street NW, between 15th and 16th streets. On one side of my building is a strip club and a bar, on the other side a liquor store and soon to be vacant florist. We're taking wagers to determine if a seedy massage parolour is going into the florist's space truly completing the sketch factor of our location.

Being at 15th and K, we have one requiste homless person on each corner for a grant total of four. They each have various styles; however, sometimes turf wars ensue leading for good clean family fun and upping the entertainment value. My favorite although most annoying is the "help ow" guy. He weaves in and out of the office workers on the north side of 15th and K screaming help out. Of course he can never really manage to get the "t" in out so it constantly sounds like he's hurt. Sometimes I want to be like, "Dude, say that T and I'll help," but he's kinda crazy so I generally just drop some change from lunch in his plastic cup if on that side of the street.

Across the street from me is a big hotel where important people come to have important meetings. I know this because they wear their conference badges out on the street at lunch time. Nothing screams more loudly to "Please mug me and rob me because I'm clearly not from DC and wouldn't know how to respond or call the cops" than wearing a conference badge on the street. Hullo, welcome to victimville. Perhaps I feel this way because I used to work for an HIV advocacy group and they pounded it into our heads never to wear a conference badge out lest you be fag-bashed, but still I think its a pretty valuable lesson.

The hotel across the street is also notorious for goings-on in the men's locker room of the gym. All I'm saying.

If it wasn't for the buildings on I Street, I'd have a clear shot out of my window to the White Crib where G-dubs and Laura reside. Essentially, this means that I work in the code red zone for terrorism being only a block and a half away. It irks me because I had to bring a bag with a complete change of clothes, shoes, extra contacts and solution, two bottles of water and some snacks in the event that we are evaucated because of something that G-dub does resulting in a terror event. We also have duct tape and plastic in the event that we can't leave and get to camp out in the office. I wish I was making this up but I'm not.

Since there are buildings on I Street, my window looks across the alley directly into the window of the Newman like character from Seinfeld. Newman, as I call him, likes to download straight porn on his computer. I can actually see his screen on rainy days and it's icky. My boss and I are investing in blinds just in case.

There's a crazy chain smoking guy who works in the suite next to mine. Well I think he does some form of work for them because the only time I ever see him he's either coming in from having a smokey treat or lurking in the men's bathroom. I kinda think he's stalking me but have no proof. He scares me too.

My favorite person tho is the crazy flip flop woman who works on the 9th floor. She only wear's flip flops to work, no matter what the weather or season it's flip flops. I think this is very tacky as her heels are often black with metro dust in the spring and summer. She also has rainbow toe socks to wear in the winter with her flip flops, you know, the ones that have different colored stripes and different colored toes that fit like gloves on the feet. I'm pretty much against flip flops in all forms except when at the pool or beach, but she takes the cake.

Anyway, just wanted to share some thoughts about my work environment and let you know the fun things I get to see on a daily basis. Cheers

Thursday's Trash Version 3.0

2006-04-13T08:42:00.000-05:00

For those of you who know him, this homo has been flitting around DC for years. While I have to give him props for never engaging in on-line kiddy porn efforts like other notorious former DC meteriologists, he never ceases to amaze me with his search for fame and stardom. This latest example just seems to take the cake. I can totally see him posting this for himself, just to gain more notorirty. Kuddos Steve, you're back in the news.

Does this just not Scream Fag?

2006-04-12T10:22:00.000-05:00

Ryan Seacrest's claim that he struggles with weight may be fine some people just do, but honestly, when he claims that he used to go home from school and "eat a cookie sheet pan full of nachos and watch Oprah every day of his life, " I swear it only verifies the fact that he's a homo. If I find out he watches Lifetime (television for victims) specials and eats cookie dough ice cream I may in fact go nuts.

An Open Letter to Major League Baseball

2006-04-12T08:31:00.000-05:00

Dear Bud:

Its time you had a little heart to heart with the citizens of the Last Colony on Earth. Yup, I mean us Washingtonians. You see, for the greater part of a year-and-a-half, you've dicked arround with our beloved new team. First of all, you gave the television rights to the Dark Lord Sith Angelos meaning that when I'm on vacation in the Outer Banks this summer, I'll be able to watch National's games, but when I'm here in DC, I generally can't and could only watch one of the first seven games this week. Bad move. Secondly, you bring out this guy to throw the first pitch for the opening game. While I do take glee in the fact that our lovely colonials booed the crap out of him, I would have been much more pleased had he been stricken with a heart attack mid pitch, that might have pumped up the team a little more.

What I really take issue with, is the fact that the team has yet to be turned over to private ownership who may be able to infuse some money. You see we're still going to be a good town for baseball. Maybe we won't match last year's 2.7 million fans, but this is all your fault. Who in their right mind schedules an opening day game at 1:00 on a Wednesday...you could have gone for 7:30 and I'd so been there. Also, you send our team on an extended road trip with 16 of 19 games away from DC and against opponents who all had winning records last year, so much for starting the spring with some momentum.

What my big beef really is--you're just a greedy bastard wanting to capitalize off our wealth. Last season it was rumored that there would be ownership by the home opener...and low and behold Nats fans packed the stadium buying every ticket. No owner, then it was pushed back to the all-star break and look, the Nats were in first place in the NL East, suddenly the former Expos were making money for MLB and no owner. Even as the innagural season was coming to a close and Washingtonians were falling deeper in love with our boys of summer we were in the race for a post-season. At this point no one really expected an owner, if the Nats made a post-season showing more money for you right? So lets move forward, to the off season. Yep Bud, you had plenty of opportunities to hand over ownership, but wouldn't do it until a new stadium deal was finished. And while I think the new stadum is great and will make a welcome addition to the sketch formerly known as SE DC, our city council was trying not to screw the residents again (I'm not sure if you get that some 600,000 residents pay taxes to run this city, thats it-no more, we poor). I appreciate that the City Coucil was trying to make conservative judgements, but not you, you greedily forced the hands and refused to pay for overruns on the new stadium budget. It all turned out ok, City Council approved a stadium plan, and MLB signed a thirty year lease. Everything has been done that you have asked to sell the team.

So sell the mother'effin team! All last season you tied up the hands of our team's administration, with inabilities to make deals and contracts. I love our Nats especially these guys, one of whom I'm sure will consent to be my future husband. But having an owner will mean that they'll be encouraged to live full time in DC, becoming more and more willing to go out at play harder. Having an owner will mean an infusion of money and morale for the team. Having an owner will mean that our beloved team will begin to feel like a part of the community that has already embraced them and that will mean a lot in terms of winning.

So Bud, all of this is to say, get off your butt, stop thinking of money, and start thinking of us.

Sincerely,
Your loyal Nats Fans

PS: Having an owner will mean not having travesties like this.

Blue Before Red

2006-04-07T13:08:00.000-05:00

As we inch ever closer to the mid-term elections, I thought I'd share:

Blue States: Home of good schools
Red States: Homeskooled good

Blue States: Want a big tent for their Party.
Red States: Wears a big tent to her party.

Blue States: Favor electric cars
Red States: Favor electric chairs

Blue States:Concerned about ballooning deficits' effect on capital markets turning gains into thin air
Red States: Concerned about whether it's demons that make balloons float in thin air.

Blue States: Dream of making enough money to kite and swim with Czechs in Biarritz.
Red States: Dream of kiting enough checks to swim in Schlitz.

Blue States: Favor institutionalized health care for the poor.
Red States: Favor institutionalizing the poor.

Blue States: Forget that God did not give Adam a Steve.
Red States: Forget that not only did God give Abraham three wives, He gave Solomon 300 concubines.

Blue States: Enormous cities that serve as the engines of human progress.
Red States: Enormous Hummers that serve as the engines for Arab oil.

Blue States: Provide the "tax" part of "tax and spend."
Red States: Provide the "spend on a new 8-lane highway to link a Wal-Mart to the Olive Garden" part of "tax and spend."

Blue States: Believe we're all brothers and sisters under the skin.
Red States: Don't mind if we're brothers and sisters under the sheets.

Blue States: Fighting to clean up skid row.
Red States: Fighting to clean up skid marks.

Blue States: Concerned about global warming.
Red States: Don't like to travel and are too fat to fit in an airline seat anyway, so glad to hear that the tropics are coming to Texas. Yee-haw!

Blue States: Follow Jesus, but doesn't believe in Him.
Red States: Believe in Jesus, but doesn't follow Him.

Blue States: Want to repeal the Patriot Act.
Red States: Want to repeal the Emancipation Proclamation.

Blue States: Looking for a method to weaken China every day.
Red States: Sold everyday china for a weekend of meth.

Blue States: Favor drafting annoying laws on assault rifles.
Red States: Assault annoying in-laws with rifles after being drafted.

Blue States: Want the right for everyone to worship as they choose.
Red States: Want the right to choose everyone's worship.

Blue States: Champion women wrestling with the right to choose.
Red States: Choose women's wrestling championships.

Blue States: Want a rational energy policy.
Red States: Want policy of energetic irrationalism.

Blue States: Watched friends in New York die in foxy attacks on America.
Red States: Attack New York on Fox for not being friends of America.

Blue States: Believe God loves us and gave everyone free will to be different.
Red States: Believe God willed us to freely hate everyone different.

Blue States: Believe absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Red States: Believe abstinence saves the tart from plunder.

Blue States: Slave to pay inheritance taxes.
Red States: Inherited slaves.

Blue States: Buy art.
Red States: Collect Beanie Babies.

Well, that seems to be good enough for now, have a great weekend all

Another piece of Thursday Trash

2006-04-06T13:00:00.000-05:00

Attention E-bay users: If you are going to sell something reflective, please dress before you take the photo!

Sent via email from the cousin.

The other shoe is dropping

2006-04-06T11:08:00.000-05:00

Not that I'm an overly zealous hater, but recent reports are indiciating that Bush was the source of the Valerie Plame leak. Just thought I'd share the breaking news.

Thursday's Trash Version 2.0

2006-04-06T09:22:00.000-05:00

Ok ok, I've been swamped at work, but given that a recent post was titled Thursday's Trash, and I stumbled across these two pictures, I can't help but make it a repeat. Hope y'all enjoy!

I'm a Winner Y'all!

2006-04-04T08:34:00.001-05:00

Yup, this big ole mo managed to scrape out a win in my NCAA tourney pool. I actually managed to be the only person with two teams in the final four. I predicted that UCLA and LSU would meet with UCLA victorious in the semis. I further predicted that UCLA would fall in the national title game, of course I originally had UConn beating the bruins, but with the loss to the gators last night, I was victorious.

Now on to world domination!

As an addendum, last year I came in third in the pool. I'm just sayin that this mo knows his basketball.

Gettin an Itch Again

2006-03-24T16:16:00.000-05:00

I really don't think its that bad that I've been in more foreign countries than states, including two that no longer exist, Yugoslavia and the U.S.S.R; however, I am getting an itch to travel again. My last big trip was over to the homeland as mentioned on St. Pat's Day. Right now, I'm thining about heading back towards Australia. I ran into an Aussie friend last night who works for the Embassy and used pal around with two other buds and I Mark and Justin. These three made me an honorary Wallaby but alas, Mark and Justin's terms here have ended and they're back in Canberra.

All this is really to say, I need to get the hell out of town, and after next week I think I'm gonna need it. Suffice it to say, Sunday is the kick off of a week long event for work so I may not be around. Just know I'll be back soon.

Thursday's Trash

2006-03-23T09:41:00.000-05:00

So thanks, to the WaPo Express, I stumbled across this little gem on my morning commute. What I find completely ironic and in true Drunkenness Prohibited form is the fact that not only is Wal-Mart attempting to go upscale, but they’re doing it in Plano, Texas. Now I have nothing against people from Plano, I actually went to uni with a great guy from there, but really they’re nouveau riche. We’re talking new southern rich white trash. It’s an influx of oil money to a town that has never really had long standing richness like Charlotte, Birmingham or Charleston. The people from these cities won’t accept the fact that you consider yourself a resident unless they know “your people.” That means that four or five generations ago, your Aunt Selma or whomever married their Uncle Robert and y’all are related distantly. If you just moved to the neighborhood a less than four generations ago, you’re not from Charlotte, Birmingham or Charleston. You’re a carpet bagger.

Ok, so back to Plano and Wal-Mart. What I find truly discomforting here is the fact that one, Wal-Mart is going to go upscale and they’re attempting to do it for white trash. Wal-Mart is going to offer “an expanded selection of high-end electronics, more fine jewelry, hundreds of types of wine and even a sushi bar.” Are you effin kidding me? Once while visiting Plano, the wine and cheese party consisted of Kraft singles and Franzia (wine out the box), much to this homo’s horror. I’ll give Wal-Mart credit for trying to introduce high-end electronics and jewelry, but gourmet food. Oh hell no.

The true kicker is that this Wal-Mart is going to be special. Very Special. You see, this one’s not going to be selling guns. “It [also] has far less pace devoted to garden, fishing, camping and automotive products. ‘This customer is telling us they’re not doing it themselves,’ said Ryan Lincks, the store’s project manager.”

See, like I said, New Southern Rich-White Trash. I mean really, its still Texas and I really don’t see people in Plano replacing their gun racks in the F-150 with spice racks. I’m just sayin…

Not in a Good Mood

2006-03-21T16:51:00.000-05:00

I'm not in a good mood these days. You see, I'm a reformed soccer, turned field hockey, turned rugby player. But as of late, I've been sidelined and I've come to realize that I need to chase some form of ball around a grassy/astroturf field to get the adequate exercise that I need. The problem being the following list. I thought I was at lucky number 13, but alas I don't think its time to stop.

1) Left knee, ruptured 2 ligaments Anterior Cruciate (ACL), Medial Colateral (MCL) and tore cartilage (medial meniscus) all known as the O'Donahugh's triad playing soccer at age 15. Surgery #1 sophomore year of high school.

2) Right knee, ruptured ACL as a result of over-rehabilitation of left knee's prevous debacle, surgery #2 junior year of high school.

3) Right knee, removal of a plica (odd tissue buildup). surgery #3 summer between HS and college.

4) Left knee, cartliage tear and debridement. surgery # 4 sophomore year of college, played a week later.

5) Left knee, SOOOO NOT MY FAULT, torn ACL, yes again for the second time when an ACC rival tackled me from behind. surgery #5, college soccer career ending event spring of junior year.

6) Right knee, torn ACL, yep that's both knees, totally my fault playing hide-n-seek on wet grass with neighborhood kids. surgery # 6 summer after graduation.

7) Left and Right knee cartliage debridements...moving into maintainence phase now and yes I had both knees scoped at once and hobbled around on crutches like a fool. surgeries #7 and #8, both legs at once counts as two events in my book before heading off to grad school.

8) Right knee, torn ACL again, field hockey...astroturf is not good for bad knees. surgery # 9 summer between first and second year of grad school.

9) Left knee, dis-unified ossification of the left tibial-tuberocity (bone chip that separated from my shin where the quadracepts tendon inserts into the lower leg) from being struck in the shin with a field hockey stick...stupid lesbian. Surgery # 10. First year in DC.

10) More maintainence right knee cartilage debridement, surgery # 11. Last year of the free world known as Democratic Leadership in the White House.

11) Big whopper, right knee hyperextension playing rugby when I was running full stride and a guy dove in front of me, pinning my foot to the turf and me pitching forward at the knee. Torn ACL, Posterior Cruciate Ligament (PCL), MCL and Laterial Collateral Ligament. That's right I took out the only four ligaments available in my knees at once. Introduction of Ed and Betsy (my cadavar ligaments for the ACL/PCL) cause there was nothing left to take as a substitute ligament, 9 months of physical therapy and one unhappy Mr. Scott. Summer of 2001 surgery #12.

12) Scott's definition of asphalt diving. While actually attempting to run on the streets, I got hit by a car. You guessed it, the introduction of Sue, the ACL cadaver ligament in my left knee and surgery lucky number 13.

Well as you can see, I'm bringing this all up because I think it's time to move on to number 14. My right knee has been acting out lately and is not cooperating with the fun activities left to me such as the eliptical trainer and walking in a straight line. On top of that, I want to chase a ball again. So, if y'all see me hobblin around the streets of DC on my trusted crutches that have served me for 18 years, please don't steal my pain killers. I need 'em.

Ok, so off to see the doc in a few weeks. I swear I've single-handedly put both of his kids through Duke.

Catholic or Protestant Whiskey

2006-03-17T10:45:00.000-05:00

Ok, so having a last name like mine...which won't be made public in this venue screams out Irish. So accordingly for Saint Pattie's Day, this entry is about the wonderful things that the Irish have given us.

First and foremost is this delicious specimen. I mean how can anyone not love this boy with his antics of drink, smoke and sex tapes. Plus he's not too shabby on the eyes. Note the shirt choice too, Green and Orange!

Now, according to this post we also have to touch on beer, quite frankly when it comes to stout, I'm more of a fan of Beamish compared to Guinness; however, when partaking of an Irish Car Bomb they both do the trick.

What I find most interesting though is the raging arguement that I have with a bartending buddy about the merits of Irish Catholic Whiskey versus Irish Protestant whiskey. Yes they both exist, and while I myself being a good three-for-one conversion special for the Southern Baptists back home (Half Catholic, Half Jewish and Full Gay) I definitely know the differences between a good Catholic Whiskey and a tolerable Protestant Whiskey. I think the former's Web address... www.itcouldjustbethetaste.com pretty much sums up my love affair with Jameson's.

This is the land of my ancestors. Could there be anywhere more beautiful than the woodland or coastline of County Donegal? These are truly the Irish Green that is of note, but this is more about my last trip over. I basically went on a whim. You see one thing about the Irish is they're very welcoming until some stupid Yank blurts out that they are visiting Ireland to find their ancestors. Ya don't just roll up into Ireland without knowing something about your family. Well I did know, our root name is O'Brallaghan, so I schlepped up to the north country just to have a look-see. While stumbling around in a quaint little pub, I actually met a barman that accused me of not speaking to him. It seems that he thought I was his long lost pal...After producing my passport, I did in fact, explain why I was so far off the beaten tourist path. Well as luck had it, I am related to his friends family and met with this guy's Gran the next day. She plunked out this huge family heirloom Bible and pointed right to my relatives that had left for the states. More excitedly, she let me copy down the history of our family that reaches back to 682 A.D. when part of the Brodie clan crossed the North Channel from the Western Scotish Highlands.

Basically this is all to say Sláinte. Enjoy the day kids, and kiss me simply cause ya can.

Momma was bad!

2006-03-16T12:24:00.000-05:00

So, a friend/former patron of my bartending days called me yesterday about a sale. They're offering 30% off already discounted prices. I scored with three pairs of much needed dress shoes!

Pair # 1 Buti Brown leather lace ups original price $225.00 my price $65.30

Pair # 2 Hartjes Black leather lace ups original price $350.00 my price $ 41.30

Pair # 3 Democrata Black leather slip on original price $140.oo my price $68.60

We saved a grand total of $550.00!

Not sure how long it will last, but I'm spreadin the word

Spring in DC

2006-03-14T14:05:00.000-05:00

So it is with baited breath and somewhat impending doom that I always find myself preparing for spring in DC. You see, after a weekend of glorious weather, the Barton Pear trees are in bloom, along with daffodils and other early spring flowers. This means that warmer weather and short sleeves/shorts will soon be back and I like em.

It also means tourists. I loathe, no Loathe, no LOATHE tourist groups that descend upon DC when this commences. It is the onset of every high school group schlepping to DC and disrupting my normal routine. It means that the metro will be crowded at 8 am when groups of pimply faced brats will all be trying to force their way onto one car to "keep together" thereby causing the rest of us who use metro for work to endure over-crowded trains and teeny-pop star banter/you're a fag jokes. It also means tour busses from hell clogging the streets, stoping intermittently to unload countless children who will gawk at us DC folk and bitch about prices for food. Finally the children will over-run the mall and assorted monuments. I swear last year my family came to town and we stopped by the FDR monument my mother declared, "I'm glad that I reared you kids right and you know how to act. I'd beat any one of these children if they were mine." This all happened because all the kids were sitting on FDR's lap in his wheel chair to have their picture taken preventing anyone else from getting close enough to see the statue. NOT COOL.

So accordingly, here's my next addition to Scott's Little Book of Rules for Making the World a Better Place and Smoother Ride.

1) When bringing smart-alec kids from states that I normally fly over to DC, please ensure that you have enough chaperones to split up in multiple groups, taking multiple metro cars to your destination. If you all have to shove onto my car, you're going to annoy me and I'll be forced to retaliate physically or verbally and if I haven't had my morning cuppa this scorpion's tongue is vicious.

2) Know how to act. This is the Nation's Capital, and while you can act a fool in your home state, all kinds of business goes on here, both national and international so don't screw up something for someone else. Also, be mindful that people work and live here, no shrieking, no blocking up the crosswalks, and for the love of G-d, stand on the right, walk on the left.

3) While I was once a high school student and I appreciate a well placed insult, don't use ethinic slurs or homophobic comments with your classmates. Chances are DC resident within five feet is one of those things and we're fiesty and may just call you out on it.

4) DC is expensive, we all know it and while I scoff at paying more that $4.oo for a lite beer, I do it. You don't have to announce how expensive everything is, just pay for it and shut up.

5) For those children who are the brainiacs/GT/AG/Honor Role/National Honor Society or any other version of geek/nerd, we DO NOT need to hear your pontifications about Robert's Rules of Order, the histroy of the Viet Nam war or any other useless trivia that you hold concerning DC. First of all, most DC residents already know this, secondly you're only going to confirm your tool status with your fellow classmates. It's ok just to chill every now and again. For those who are cheerleaders, pay attention you can learn something without your hair hurting. If you're a jock, just there stand and look pretty and we'll leave you alone.

6) If you and your group are standing at 15th and K NW, please do not ask me how to find the Whyte Howsse, I'm more likely to direct you to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, SE, and trust me, you don't want to wind up in Anacostia with that group of yours. Many a better DC resident has been found with deer in the headlights expressions by mistakenly heading to Anacostia.

7) When you are having your class picture on the steps of the Capitol with your Representative or Senator, get in place quickly, stand quietly and let the photographers do their jobs. Senators and Representatives are busy people and quite frankly, you can't vote yet so they're only being kind. You're also blocking traffic into the Capitol building where the rest of us do that business that you just may screw up by acting a fool.

8) Under no circumstances should you harass Butterstick, Tian Tian, or Mei Xiang. DC peeps are fierecly devoted to Butterstick and you will be cut. This also goes for the gorillas, elephants, siberian tigers and any other living animal at the National Zoo. So unless you want us to treat you as an exhibit during your stay, be kind to the animals.

9) Yes, Georgetown has fabulous shops, but (and especially for you chicks) DC residents tend to have higher earning power than your daddy's credit card. Thus, when mobbing a particular shop, please allow those of us who are there to spend money actually do so. I demand high qualified service and don't want you to cut into someone's commission by forcing me out of a store too early.

10) Remember, this is the Nation's Capital, and as such, the people who live here had the brilliance and foresight to leave where you came from. That being said, we still know people we grew up with such as your mom, dad, teacher, older sibling and high school principal. You don't want to be the reason that your school (and the sophomores and frosh under you) never gets to come back to DC. But trust me, it's no more than a simple phone call back home and all your shenanigans will be made public and the kids under you will resent the fact that next year they get to hang out in Bismark or Frankfort or Harrisonburg a few hours away from home. State capitals just aren't that exciting.

So here are my rules. These are my top ten and there are certainly others that could/should be added so for all you readers out there, please feel free to add.

Sincerely,

the DC Welcoming Committee

Mary Lynn

2006-03-13T15:07:00.000-05:00

Today I had to attend a meeting with staff from an un-named federal agency at an un-named federal building relating to work. While the meeting was utterly boring a large waste of time, I did get to meet Mary Lynn.

Mary Lynn wrote her name on her name tag in all undercaps letters with fun little dots on the end. Mary Lynn also had a smiley face in the "O" of her last name.

Mary Lynn is a big gurl, she was wearing a fun pin-striped suit with a off white silk shirt, gold rim glasses and black high-top sneakers. She looks like the kind of big gurl that wears sweatshirts with glitter kittens on them and has a holiday sweater for every holiday between Halloween and Easter. I bet she also collects things like those attrocious precious moments figurines or has her kitchen decorated with beatrice potter characters and plates.

Mary Lynn has not been effed in a long long time, either that or she's a big scary dyke, but something about my dar is just off today so I'm going with the previous. I can also predict that she lives in Annandale but I won't go so far to say that she has numerous cats-- she wears those on her sweatshirts with her black high top sneakers.

Anyway, Mary Lynn brightened my day with her smiley face and her seventh-grade name writing skills so if I get around to it, I'm gonna post a Craigs list Missed Connection for her.

Oh please, who am I kidding this lady scared the hell out of me!

Lyrics

2006-03-10T15:50:00.000-05:00

One of the odd things about me is that I'm probably a better lesbian than mo, but I'm still fabulous. Here's my official Scott's a Better Dyke than you list that my good friend Holly and I determined when a sketchy DC lessie bar wanted to charge me a $20 cover to hang out with the girls.

Big Butch Bouncer Dyke: "We charge all men a $20 cover to come in, just keeps out the sketch"

Holly: "Oh no, Jens (yenz my dutch nickname) is a better lesbian than you, besides he will decrease the sketch factor of this place anyway."

BBBD:"Oh really then you have to my questions and meet my approval."

Me: "ok"

BBBD: "What sports do you watch?"

Me: "all of them, but I prefer NCAA hoops, hockey, Austrialian Rules, and rugby."

Holly: "and he means field hockey not ice, he plays that along with rugby, soccer and lacrosse."

BBBD: "What do you drink?"

Me: "Miller lite bottle with a Jameson's back"

BBBD: "ok, what was the last CD you listened to?"

Holly: "on the way, here in his car, his CD, Ani DiFranco's Little Plastic Castle "

BBBD: "What's the difference between a socket wrench and a monkey wrench?"

Holly: "woman please, we call him to put our Ikea furniture together, not him us."

Me: "A monkey wrench is more often used for plumbing it has an adjustable head, the socket wrench is has a locking mechanism that means you can leave the head on the bolt and tighten/untighten what you're working on without taking the wrench away. you just have to change the head depending on the size and shape of the bolt."

BBBD: "not bad, ok last one, what's your favorite Lillith Fair Band"

Me: "Duh Ks Choice, specifically I'm not an addict."

Holly: "Are you done yet, we would have already downed two beers each, your bartender's losing money"

BBBD: "I guess ok you're cool and an honorary Dyke, but if there's any problem you're out"

Me: "Unless you consider leaving more than $0.50 as a tip a problem then we're golden"

So it was official, I had achieved lesbian status and I don't even drive a subaru!

Ok all of this was to point out that I really do like my angry white chick music (aka lesbian variety) and give me an excuse to post these lyrics:

Breathe it in and breathe it out
And pass it on, it's almost out
We're so creative, so much more
We're high above but on the floor
It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it you're on the other side

The deeper you stick it in your vein
The deeper the thoughts, there's no more pain
I'm in heaven, I'm a god
I'm everywhere, I feel so hot
It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it you're on the other side
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)

It's over now, I'm cold, alone
I'm just a person on my own
Nothing means a thing to me
(Nothing means a thing to me)
It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive

If you don't have it you're on the other side
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)
Free me, leave meWatch me as I
'm going downFree me, see me
Look at me, I'm falling and I'm falling.I

t is not a habit, it is cool I feel alive I feel...
It is not a habit, it is cool I feel alive
It's not a habit, it's cool, I feel alive
If you don't have it you're on the other side
I'm not an addict (maybe that's a lie)
I'm not an addict...
Ks Choice

Seriously, apart from my love of all things whisky, beer, wine, vodka, and otherwise alcohol related I'm not an addict...its just a really cool song.

Celebrities

2006-03-09T12:20:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I have a bone to pick with celebrities. While I understand that your notoriety from work in film, the arts, music and the like provides you with a viable audience to espouse greatness, it does NOT immediately grant you with skills necessary to tackle social ills of the world.

Case in point, nobody really cares that you are willing to swap saliva with almost anyone to end the strife in the Middle East. First of all, you’re likely to be beheaded for acting as a hussy in a land that demeans women’s rights to begin with, but secondly these people have been fighting over land for close to 5000 years. Do you honestly think so much of yourself that you can simply offer kisses like a magic genie and all will be well? I don’t think so.

Also, while I think that you are leading an exceptional fight against AIDS and poverty in the third world countries, give the governments of the world a break. I mean seriously, you’ve made lots of money, quit the chit chat and write a check like the other guys you made cover with.

As for this musician, do you honestly think that I’m going to care about the fact that you schlepped to the outer regions of the great white north to hang out with baby seals? Really, you look fabulous in your red jackets against the white of the snow, but honestly, does anyone other than these guys really care?

Speaking of which Pamela Anderson, you so have to let go of the cruelty to chickens thing and KFC. As someone that’s injected enough plastic and silicone into your own body, I don’t think you should be harping about mistreatment of flesh.

Now, there is one person whom I’ll give props to today, yes you run around the world making nice with people and saving refugees, but at least you had the guts to buy a couple of children and bring them back here to the states to live a much more wonderfully fabulous life that I. I mean, growing up and hanging out with you and Brad would make anyone salivate with glee. Therefore my hat goes off to you.

I guess that I’m just annoyed that you celebs get to jaunt off all over the globe because of the riches you’ve made off me and my film viewing and music listening addictions, but please for the love of G-d, I simply just want to be entertained. Go back to making films and writing songs. Please don’t force me to be all political and socially minded. I do that for a job and when not at work, I want relief that occasionally comes in a form other than "on the rocks" and "double."

Thanks.

Ungh Work

2006-03-08T14:55:00.000-05:00

So, I'm not opposed to little work get togethers and the like, but being a true homo there are just certain things that tend to be a pain in the ass...like having a baby shower for a co-worker who had the shotgun wedding six months ago and having to sit for an hour while dicussing the vairous "baby" rearing , potty training and childbirthing tips.

There are just certain things that one should automatically be able to avoid by playing the gay card. Not that its gonna happen, but I would so be passing on "natural childbirth." Momma needs to be shot up with valium and whatever other pain killers I can get my hands on.

Good for Laughs.

2006-03-02T15:57:00.000-05:00

Catherine's "open letter to the newsroom toilets" of Feb 28 just made me laugh so hard I snorted my afternoon tea out my nose.

Ok Listen Up:

2006-03-02T09:29:00.000-05:00

There's only one real thing that will make my day get off to a bad start, and the tart little Brintey Spears/Teen Pop Star Wannabe this morning during my local routine did just that.

You see, I'm a fan, no a big fan, no actually a huge fan of my every day morning cuppa. It's part of my ritual of emerging from metro, stepping across the street and joining in line. I like my first sip, with the fresh city air/smog wind as I step out the door. It makes me happy.

Now, when someone interrupts this process, I tend to not have such a good morning. Ergo, here are my rules.

1) It's coffee, yes I know that your super-duper venti triple half caf, dry, extra shot 2 percent caramel apple mocha latte is important to you. But it should be important enough to remeber and know exactly what you want. I prefer "venti drip" but like I said, it's coffee.

2) When the local starbucks attempts to expidite the long lines by having someone pre-order your drink, don't scoff...just wait in line for the register, pay and pick it up. It means that your drink will be hot and ready when paying. It also ensures that my coffee will be hot too, and I like it that way.

3)Just like knowing your drink, KNOW THE DAMN PRICE and have your money available. My venti drip is $1.98. I have my two dollar bills out of my wallet and hand it over. I'm not gonna touch the debate about math skills in America, that can come later, but we all love and understand the concept of money. Also, you don't need to use your Amex for three dollars, plan in advance kids.

4) If you need to dress your drink by adding sugar/artificial sweetener and or more milk, then you also need to know how to fix it. Debating over the turbindino versus the splenda shouldn't be very important. The first is raw sugar, the second is a no calorie artificial sweetener. I want my chance at the half-and-half for my coffee. Again, know your preference.

5) Under no circumstances should you ever, ever, ever dig through your change purse to find enough money. If you can't pay for the super duper latte, then don't order it. I don't care if you're scrounging through the bottom pile of lint in your knock off Louis Vuitton Purse that you bought on the sidewalk.

Now, I understand that some mornings may be made a little bit more groggy than others because of last nights debauchery; however, espressly to the aforementioned Britney wannabe, "IT SHOULD TAKE ABSOLUTLY LESS THAN ONE MINUTE OF INTERACTION WITH THE CASHIER TO GET YOUR DRINK PAID FOR."

You see, miss thing broke all of the rules this morning, causing a delay in my expected happiness. I don't mean one, I mean all of them. And while I've scouted out the seven locations within a four block radius of my office, I've found the one that I prefer. I know that I can go to others, but this particular shop is part of my moring happiness ritual.

So let it be stated that these are now the rules. Any violation will result in me shredding that knock off bag of yours, quickly retooling it into a cat-o-nine tails, and flogging you to within an inch of your life.

We thank you for shopping at Starbucks.

Evening Commute Sportswear and Republicans

2006-02-23T14:30:00.000-05:00

So, last night as I was returning to the hood for a much needed cocktail, I was brushed to the side of the road by the ever present DC motorcade. Evidently Vice Prez Cheny had finished work about the same time as I and was heading home. I was however prepared for just such the occaision. Following the advice of La Tomate who had just recently dicussed replacing their windows with bullet proof glass in the event that Cheny got loose in DC, I donned my vest.

Much to the malcontent of the crew of Republicans in the crosswalk, I did point out that DC has very large pigeons, and while not the caliber of quail, they are about the same size. Hence I wasn't taking any chances. Momma don't need no shotgun pellets in her butt.

Needless to say, they weren't very happy, but I had a grin for the rest of the night and treated myself to an extra cocktail.

Last Five Days

2006-02-17T17:22:00.000-05:00

In the last five day's I've done the following, in no particular order:
I attended a meeting with the Surgeon General's office to discuss the growing issue of sleep deprivation on Americans
I listened to a Vice President give his appologize for an accident and decided that while it's nice to hear certain things, actions speak louder than words.
I held the hand of a friend who's grandmother had just died and sat in silence to comfort her. Sometimes it's nice just to be there for a person and not say anything.
I tried on a mini-skirt at the GAP with my friend Wil, we were both horrifed to learn that we're a size 16. It all occured in the bastion of heterodom of Georgetown. It's amazing what you can do to frighten the straights all in the name of good fun. Note, army green is not my color.
I went to dinner with a government worker twice my age and her daughter. After dinner I was pronounced an adopted son by both. Its nice to recognize that people are people irregardless of where we come from or to whence we go.
I had a huge lump in my throat after watching my fellow hometown boy win a gold medal and dedicate it to young children and sport. (just don't let them play soccer and rugby like I did, 13 knee surgeries still suck)
I bit my lip (literally)I bit my tounge (figuratively)
I read in Exodus the chapter where G-d reveals the burning bush to Moses. I contemplated that the translation, "I am that which I am" is more than "I am" I've decided that it has to do with the verb "to be". So if I am is part of to be, then it can also be read, I am being. Not just a "being" in terms of a spirit, but being in terms of being, living, exisiting. I decided I like "being". It is great to be me, to exist and to watch the random but amzing wonders of this world. Some for the good but some for the bad. I recognized that I'm simply being, that part of that is loving my life, the bitchiness and the fun and the goodness, and the stupid and the cruel and the kind. I recognized that I enjoy it, and that I'm doing what comes naturally.

In addition to "I need a date"

2006-02-16T12:52:00.000-05:00

I preface this with the fact it was written over two years ago, with the advent of Queer Eye. Still, I chuckle every time I read it, thus it re-publish time.

Ok, so it seems like the hosts of homodom are coming to an end. Five raging queens running around NYC making over straight boys, a homo dating show with pre-required drama factor of straight boys, the Episcopal church cutting a deal to elect a gay bishop, but no liturgy on marriage, and a whole host of other things going on in the media telling me what I'm supposed to watch, wear, smell like, cook, eat and date. Last time I checked, Martha Stewart was still under indictment. I guess my homo-sensibility is being challenged lately.

Yes, everyone is in an uproar over gay marriage, Constitutional bans, television stations not showing shows, backlash here, screaming there. It kinda makes my people watching in the airport seem like childsplay. Drama factor is in high gear kids!

All this seems related to Queer Eye for the Straight Guy really. I mean, I've watched the show, its mildly entertaining, not something that I'd say any self-respecting, masculine gay man would purport to actually doing at home, much less teaching someone else to do, but hey, there it is. I really think its more about taking the old standard of the homo kid being ganged up on by a bunch of straight boys with a new twist, now the homos get to beat up the straight boy. I think my bigger point is that who has time for this crap? I for one will certainly say my wardrobe has the staples of comfort, jean, tshirts, a couple of decent button downs and god forbid "wire hangers". Its really the product lines that crack me up. Mocha body scrub (to invigorate the skin with caffeine!), shaving oil, white truffle oil, fragrances here, kitchy pillows and throws (to add depth and texture). Good grief.

Yes, I too admit, that there is a certain line of professionalism and self respect that can be demonstrated by paying attention to one's personal appearance, hence grooming and and the likes should be part of a daily routine, but I think we gay boys tend to go a little overboard. i.e. have ya ever been on a date with someone (or hookup, fling, whatever) and things get a little intimate? Ya proceed and clothing comes flying off in all sorts of directions only to be greeted with a finally crafted bonsai of pubes, complete with mousse and gel to add that extra lift? It cracks me up, and it turns me off. Ok I understand some boys trim down there to make "it" look bigger and no one really likes flossing with body hair, but still, reign in some control kids.

Similar thing happened last week. I was with some co-workers for a dinner thing, and headed off to the bathroom to find token homo standing pertly in front of the mirror adjusting his button down shirt so that it had that freshly tucked look on one side but was hanging out on the other replete with the just right amount of draping over the ass. Me, being there for a reason, finished up the business, washed up and left with a slight grin on my face. Upon returning to my table, a co-worker inquired of my smirk and I reported, only to learn that miss thing had been spotted in the same spot in the bathroom by another co-worker ten minutes earlier working on that shirt.

So all of this is really to say, whatever happened to just being yourself. Yes a clean and presentable self is nice, but I mean hullo! none of us really look all that fashionable in the morning. Sleep in the eyes, hair askew and morning breath to boot. If you're out to impress someone with the goal of waking up next to someone, don't ya think we could just stand to show the real us as opposed to some pre-fabricated, overly coiffed, pressed image. No thanks, give me a nicely scrubbed, comfortable appearing guy with a slight scent of fresh laundry and hair you can actually pass your hands through and I'm good to go, you other kids can keep the high society.

So, Apparently I Need a Date

2006-02-16T10:50:00.000-05:00

Ungh, I need a date. No seriously, bitching about being single aside, I actually need a date...requirement for work. Now normally I wouldn't complain about having to do events but when they require me to get all suited up and schmooze with my board of directors and co-workers, it gets to be a bit much.

Ya see, while I'm not "in the closet" at work, I've never officially come out to anyone. I figured that having done consulting work for the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce and a handful of HIV/AIDS advocacy groups, then naturally one + one = two. Alas, no one seems to have paid that much attention to my resume even though it was passed around the entire office when I was hired.

The bigger dilemma is the fact that first, theres only like five guys in my office to begin with. Three are married, my 'dar' is going off on the other, and me. With twenty plus females, I seem to be the token being offered to be set up with all of their adorable roomates, best friends, sorority sisters, actual sisters etc. Its enough to make this homo's butt cringe.

Let me say that I'm not lamenting the fact that I have only had like two real dates in the past year. I generally prefer my single life moving between a group of friends that range anywhere from coupled off homo's, random straight people, married folk with kids and a fun set of us 'mos that mix in and out and range in age from 22-65. I like my life and the freedom and intellectual stimulation it provides me. When the right guy happens to stumble across my path and can keep up with the rest of us, I'll inquire of a date.

Meanwhile, the office situation is spinning out of control...way too many offers to be a beard for the evening. Couple that with the fact that I've witnessed several of my likly "date candidates/single male friends" get stupid drunk at Holiday parties and the like...well whats a guy to do. This is my job afterall.

So, that being said, if anyone is free on Monday March 27 and would like to attend a semi-formal, free fundraising event with great food and a champaigne dessert bar, please apply soon. Otherwise I'm a gonna have to have a melt-down.

VD

2006-02-14T17:00:00.000-05:00

Happy VD to everyone out there! And remember, the burning passion that drives us all to do romantic and silly things today shouldn't literally result in "burning." Play safe!

Snow

2006-02-11T17:02:00.001-05:00

As usual, the weather service has provided for 8-12 inches of snow in D.C. Just like always, it appears that the weather forcast is like Gay.com when it comes to inches. They say 10 but its more like 5.
It doesn't mean that I don't like snow. I've actually been hungering for it this year, DC's been shafted ever since Big Brother took office in 2001. Before that you could always count on snow for liberal leave...now the Repub's call it unscheduled leave. I mean really, can't they just use a word that's been part of DC culture forever. Liberal leave means that you have the option of not going to work beacuse of weather, but otherwise the office will be open. Unscheduled leave is the same. Its a nice bonus for people who have to arrange childcare or live in the outter reaches of civilization where they have to pipe in sunshine to begin with.
Alas, even if we do get the snow, and a potential snow day, whats a good liberal to do?

Switch parties. I'm now a certified unscheduled!

Separate at Birth?

2006-02-03T17:17:00.000-05:00

Mark Feuerstein and Andrew Lincoln.
I think they are both hot...

Six Weeks vs. Three More Years

2006-01-30T17:22:00.000-05:00

This week we will have Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address. As Air America Radio pointed out, it is an ironic juxtaposition: one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of little intelligence for prognostication, and the other involves a groundhog.

Dear Alcohol

2006-01-30T17:14:00.000-05:00

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to talk to me all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries) I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products,aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour!) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,Your biggest fan

P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
5. Specificity

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

Friday Dinner

2006-01-27T15:50:00.000-05:00

So its my turn to host the montly dinner party that I've started up with some friends. Tonight's menu consists of:

Flash Fried Sun-dried tomatoe ravioli's stuffed with horseradish and goat cheese and Asian Dipping sauce
Roasted Butternut Squash and Granny Apple Bisque
Arugula salad with poached pears, blu cheese and basamic reduction Murphy Goode 2002 Deuce Reserve II Fume Blanc
Roast Pork loin stuffed with spinach, roasted red peppers, pine nuts and a port wine reduction
with polenta and steamed asparagus. Chateau Saint Michelle Canoe Ridge Cabernet Sauvignon
Scott's ultimate chocolate mousse Hardy's Sparking Shiraz

So dinner is for eight at 8:00 pm, be nice and maybe you'll be invited sometime.

I miss Chandra

2006-01-26T11:49:00.000-05:00

Some of my posts from the old space will have to move over here. This being one of my finer points back during the Chandra Levy disappearance.

So, what if Gary Condit gave Chandra levy ten dollars to go to the dry cleaner's and pick up Monica Lewinsky's blue dress and when she got there, she found Ilian Gonzales working illegally for Linda Chavez and INS swooped down and took everybody back to Cuba? Maybe that's where Chandra really is.

Mornin

2006-01-26T10:51:00.000-05:00

So I finally decided to move my blog to a different space. While the old one has been fun, there's something about the nature of wanting to be more professional. I guess I'm growing up. On that note, welcome to drunkeness prohibited. For those of you who actually know me well I'll leave it at that. Pretty much all for now, just wanted to get started.