Spring in DC

So it is with baited breath and somewhat impending doom that I always find myself preparing for spring in DC. You see, after a weekend of glorious weather, the Barton Pear trees are in bloom, along with daffodils and other early spring flowers. This means that warmer weather and short sleeves/shorts will soon be back and I like em.

It also means tourists. I loathe, no Loathe, no LOATHE tourist groups that descend upon DC when this commences. It is the onset of every high school group schlepping to DC and disrupting my normal routine. It means that the metro will be crowded at 8 am when groups of pimply faced brats will all be trying to force their way onto one car to "keep together" thereby causing the rest of us who use metro for work to endure over-crowded trains and teeny-pop star banter/you're a fag jokes. It also means tour busses from hell clogging the streets, stoping intermittently to unload countless children who will gawk at us DC folk and bitch about prices for food. Finally the children will over-run the mall and assorted monuments. I swear last year my family came to town and we stopped by the FDR monument my mother declared, "I'm glad that I reared you kids right and you know how to act. I'd beat any one of these children if they were mine." This all happened because all the kids were sitting on FDR's lap in his wheel chair to have their picture taken preventing anyone else from getting close enough to see the statue. NOT COOL.

So accordingly, here's my next addition to Scott's Little Book of Rules for Making the World a Better Place and Smoother Ride.

1) When bringing smart-alec kids from states that I normally fly over to DC, please ensure that you have enough chaperones to split up in multiple groups, taking multiple metro cars to your destination. If you all have to shove onto my car, you're going to annoy me and I'll be forced to retaliate physically or verbally and if I haven't had my morning cuppa this scorpion's tongue is vicious.

2) Know how to act. This is the Nation's Capital, and while you can act a fool in your home state, all kinds of business goes on here, both national and international so don't screw up something for someone else. Also, be mindful that people work and live here, no shrieking, no blocking up the crosswalks, and for the love of G-d, stand on the right, walk on the left.

3) While I was once a high school student and I appreciate a well placed insult, don't use ethinic slurs or homophobic comments with your classmates. Chances are DC resident within five feet is one of those things and we're fiesty and may just call you out on it.

4) DC is expensive, we all know it and while I scoff at paying more that $4.oo for a lite beer, I do it. You don't have to announce how expensive everything is, just pay for it and shut up.

5) For those children who are the brainiacs/GT/AG/Honor Role/National Honor Society or any other version of geek/nerd, we DO NOT need to hear your pontifications about Robert's Rules of Order, the histroy of the Viet Nam war or any other useless trivia that you hold concerning DC. First of all, most DC residents already know this, secondly you're only going to confirm your tool status with your fellow classmates. It's ok just to chill every now and again. For those who are cheerleaders, pay attention you can learn something without your hair hurting. If you're a jock, just there stand and look pretty and we'll leave you alone.

6) If you and your group are standing at 15th and K NW, please do not ask me how to find the Whyte Howsse, I'm more likely to direct you to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, SE, and trust me, you don't want to wind up in Anacostia with that group of yours. Many a better DC resident has been found with deer in the headlights expressions by mistakenly heading to Anacostia.

7) When you are having your class picture on the steps of the Capitol with your Representative or Senator, get in place quickly, stand quietly and let the photographers do their jobs. Senators and Representatives are busy people and quite frankly, you can't vote yet so they're only being kind. You're also blocking traffic into the Capitol building where the rest of us do that business that you just may screw up by acting a fool.

8) Under no circumstances should you harass Butterstick, Tian Tian, or Mei Xiang. DC peeps are fierecly devoted to Butterstick and you will be cut. This also goes for the gorillas, elephants, siberian tigers and any other living animal at the National Zoo. So unless you want us to treat you as an exhibit during your stay, be kind to the animals.

9) Yes, Georgetown has fabulous shops, but (and especially for you chicks) DC residents tend to have higher earning power than your daddy's credit card. Thus, when mobbing a particular shop, please allow those of us who are there to spend money actually do so. I demand high qualified service and don't want you to cut into someone's commission by forcing me out of a store too early.

10) Remember, this is the Nation's Capital, and as such, the people who live here had the brilliance and foresight to leave where you came from. That being said, we still know people we grew up with such as your mom, dad, teacher, older sibling and high school principal. You don't want to be the reason that your school (and the sophomores and frosh under you) never gets to come back to DC. But trust me, it's no more than a simple phone call back home and all your shenanigans will be made public and the kids under you will resent the fact that next year they get to hang out in Bismark or Frankfort or Harrisonburg a few hours away from home. State capitals just aren't that exciting.

So here are my rules. These are my top ten and there are certainly others that could/should be added so for all you readers out there, please feel free to add.

Sincerely,

the DC Welcoming Committee